Buffetting : I'm Free

For very complex reasons that I took up the torch as the president of the Equestrian Club on 13th May 2014, and today I'm finally stepping down.

Progressing from preclinical years to clinical years, I can feel the toll of clubs on my studies and responsibilities and a vet student significantly this semester.

One of the main reasons I took up the club was to steer myself away from the pain when T broke up with me on 13th of May, leading to my impulse acceptance of the position. I can't believe I was able to smile like the picture above on that day T decided to break up with me. Pretty tough I guess.

Another reason was, me being me trying to have another stage or spotlight I guess.

Stubby said I was just being me. I just don't reject people. I will just burn myself out and still do what people ask me to do, in this case the president of the club. I have yet to know the concrete reason I did this, because I simply don't get anything except more wrinkles and HR management experience from managing this club.

At any rate, I stepped down tonight, and time for me to focus more on my body and studies. Body before the studies, for sure this time round.

Buffetting : It's Time

Less than 24 hours till my flight and I have yet to pack.

But it shouldn't be that hard.

What I'm dreading from is, my thoughts for T.

Even at when I'm planning around Kyoto, I will still think of the plans I had.

Lets hope the snowflakes may bring my thoughts away with the hails.

PS: This is supposed to be a happy trip! Yay JAPAN!!!!!

Buffetting : Why

I just don't know why did I do all these little stuffs.

To get the attention?

To hope for another go?

Or should I just be happy that I'm just doing it out of subconscious?

If its my subconscious, damn.

Leos do need a year to forget.

Buffetting : Should I?

I'd always thought we would end easily, but we chose to remain as friends instead.

Remaining so gives both of us space to exploit and talk to each other; even asking favors from each other.

T dropped me a message in the social media, asking for help in vetting the presentation on Diabetes mellitus.

Without second thoughts I said yes.

Why wouldn't I? I'd literally say yes to every other vetting requests I had from others before.

But this is pretty different. Should I say I'm doing this because we are still friends? Or deep down I secretly hope we have another go at this?

On the freaky side of this, just minutes before Lady Boss was talking about how she stalked my profile together with Ice Queen on my latest birthday wish to T; and how "into" I was when singing the song; and then T texted me on the social media. Freaky.

Maybe T just think of us as friends now. Let's not think about anything else. I have no rights to think about romance when I earn no peanuts or has no career to support my life yet.

Should I continue agreeing to check T's script? Oh wait, I already said yes.

Buffetting : Another Chance

Well, I sure hope that was with T. Dreams have been daunting lately.

Apart from various issues with the family and studies, T apparently became a huge chunk of it.

Maybe its the subconscious of mine, but probably its a way my body is trying to deal with the issue for me to move on, for good.

It is hard, I have no problems now to wipe those emotions off my mind; its just the constant remembrance that is bothering me a little.

Back to another chance; this is pretty Japanese-direct-translate of me.

Another lucky chance for me to land a spot in the upcoming WSAVA conference in Bangkok 2015! I kinda pitched myself a little in the email and it worked out pretty well. Let's hope I do get to learn a lot, aside from volunteering in the booth for WSAVA.

Adding that to the list, I'll be flying a lot in 2015!

February - Japan(OSAKA) for Vet Youth Summit Japan

May- Thailand(BANGKOK) for WSAVA Congress 2015

June- Thailand(BANGKOK) for Ruminant and Large Animal Rotation

August- Japan(YAMAGUCHI) for Laboratory Clinical Rotation

4 flights, 4 places, 4 purposes. Who knows, maybe in the new academic year in September onwards I will be having another few more other flights? But by then I should where should I spend my 15 weeks of additional practical time.

Updates on the previous week practical and current practical later!

Buffetting : Ending 2014

I'd figure I should do this now and get back to my finals cramming before the 4.0 just fly out of my lap.

2014, has been a long year. I think I grew up emotionally a lot this year, because of so many things happening with so many parties getting involved in my life. I would say I grew at some point, managing things is now a little different while I have made several bold moves along the way.

January 2014:

The semester ended with another wedding in-line which my cousin brother had with me being the driver cum bridegroom brigade*or is there another term for this?* Nothing much except for the fact that a lot of our cousins in our generation is slowly heading towards the next stage of their lives in building a family and being parents themselves. Responsibility much?

February 2014:

3 weeks stuck in the breeder chicken farm in the middle of Karak was crazy. Daily morning shower with water as cold as ice and being completely naked in front of the foreign labor was, just something I probably will avoid forever. However, the nights spending to watch The Little Nyonya, trying the fill the gaps in between egg collection during work and the moments killing each other in the dorm with the girls were just fun.

March 2014:

Getting back to the faculty in this time of the year means Vetsports and Vet Dinner. After all the heavy work last year its time for my batch to chill out this year. Our batch is pretty famous for our lack of skills in sports, but we still do very great in tug-o-war, cheer leading as well as indoor games. Vet Dinner was pretty quaint this year, but only a few of us attended simply because we had to as directors and presidents of various interest clubs in the faculty.

April 2014:

This was a very special month no doubt. Apart from Majlis Silaturahim which my batch definitely have done a splendid job as the organizer with me being the crazy Chinese vampire, I took a bold step to fly and meet T in Chiang Mai; with my interest of wildlife practical as well. 

Spending time, cuddling for the first time, had my first kiss taken away all in the same week fueled the happy hormones in my body. I was actually living the dream relationship I thought I never could have. At the same time, I was also glad I was able to be part of T's life.

May 2014:

It become the worst month of the year. I had plenty of unnecessary commitments in clubs which I never begin to imagine I would join. The last call was for T to drop in a bombshell of all days Wesak day to break up with me. This is probably the worst Wesak I had with immense anger and fear clogged up in the whole afternoon. I was alone because I had no one to talk to, and thank goodness Biolexus was there to hear out before I implode. On the same night, I took the bold move and became the president of the club I never imagined I would.

On the contrary, my sister too moved into the next stage of her life and got married as well. Talk about double blow. But it was a good thing because it became the very tool that changed my relationship with my family as well.

June 2014:

Ending yet another semester means to step into another practical. 3 weeks of practical in the goat farm was pretty fun, as they are really cute yet annoying. Although I know less from the other girls because of my academic year, I proved myself to be an asset in restraining the animals while learning plenty about the debridement, artificial insemination and general management for a typical meat goat farm. The relationship between the girls and I definitely flourished even more, as we had the same problem with the drama source of our practical.

July 2014:

The month seemingly spent a lot on relaxing and enjoying life. The practical by the east coast with the Turtle Sanctuary was just soothing and mentally relaxing. Although the strolls at night can be a pain in the ass because of the long hours and cold weather, not to mention sand flies killing our feet, it was a great place to take our minds off hectic life of the urban areas with a decent amount of jobs to be done like getting rotten eggs out of the hatchery. A good time to relax, but definitely can't be my whole life.

PS: I forgot the most important thing happened this month. I became an uncle!

August 2014:

August is probably the crazies month with a lot of flights in and out of the airport! Again, spending my birthday out of the country, this time it was Sri Lanka! Its the Vetsoul annual trip again and it was definitely worth every sen and second spending our quality time there. Stubby was a great hose, while her dad probably forked out thousands of USD to make sure we are actually enjoying our trip. 

A week back from Sri Lanka, 8 of us headed to Chagar Hutang for yet another turtle sanctuary. A different group with a different managerial system, its pretty exciting to see how 2 different entities manage a same species of ecosystem. It is obvious UMT had better management and funding, but Cherating is probably very much restricted by the federal government policies.

September 2014:

A new academic year begin where I stepped into my official 3rd year. Thinking that it would be much of a less burdening semester I was wrong, because being a president of a new club is not easy, AT ALL. We had to go all out to establish contacts, get into the good side of all equestrian entities out there, trying to work with the resources we have to develop our members; things are just not easy at all. But with perseverance and support from the high committee, the club managed to pull over with our first work with Selangor Turf club in the International Horse Show 2014. 

October 2014:

Wrapping up several commitments this month, I am pretty surprised I'm still on track with the lectures and information in class. I spend a hefty 3 days in Bangkok earlier on for the APVC 2014 in the quest to get more knowledge and exposure on the veterinary side in our region; which turned out to be splendid. 

On the other note, Dogathon 2014 managed to break the Malaysia Book of Record in achieving 1200 dogs as the largest dog gathering in Malaysia! Great work to be direct mentor of the co-directors, and I'm sure they have churned a lot of effort in succeeding this achievement!

November 2014:

Mundane month with a lot studies and birthday celebrations; making me to have more posts this month anyway. Did a lot of thinking and planning for the practicals in 2015, making me having access to Japan and Thailand, hopefully with a lot of knowledge gained back home. A crazy little thing happened in the mundane month is probably the theft of my wallet. That probably sucked up the whole month

December 2014:

Contrary to November, although the month was filled with tests and assignment deadlines, plenty of events and outings were thrown around my life. Christmas season fun was everywhere, though I actually celebrated Christmas not on the day itself. 

These celebrations too make me realize, I have managed to get the best of both worlds. Vet souls, and Kaki Jalan. It is a blessing truly, because I never imagined I would be able to attain friendship crossing both academic years so strong.

PS: Another wedding this year, I guess my friendship with Queen probably will go on until life ends in both our sides; only if my parents would stop assuming I'm actually seeing her romantically.

2014 definitely was good, and crazy. 

I was lucky to have spent time with T.

I was lucky to have people being there when T broke up with me.

I was lucky to have people aiding me with academics and clubs.

I was lucky to have my niece coming into my family, patching up those holes I have with my family.

I was lucky to not stay in the limbo of losing T, now back up and moving again.

I was lucky to just be safe, well and happy always; even though there were multiple occasions when my blood pressure could have killed me.

Now, to get back to finals.

Buffetting: 《你是男的，我也爱》

Calvin probably have came across the movie, but I'm currently really hooked onto the novel.

For those who can understand Chinese, you'd probably would want to take a read.

It's silly, yet it is some how really sweet.

It makes me feel like everything between me and T is, well, really nothing.

And this novel too has really hit me hard; you don't deserve if you don't go all out; and you don't get to talk about relationship when you don't even have your financial background stable.

The epic moments in the novel were countless, making me loving the novel even more. As fairy tale as the novel is and will get, I still do believe someday someone out there will do appear.

Of course, I don't expect the dreaminess as the novel has depicted; but the similar warmth will do.

*Yes Jung, I am a hopeless romantic. You can't blame the Leo to have as much drama in his life as possible.*

As for T, who probably really didn't play much part on the other side really does not worth my time anymore. This time, I get it straight. 

It has been 5 months since we have ended our relationship, and I am now successfully over T.

What now? Get rich.

Buffetting : 藕断丝连

当你喜欢一个人，你会想把你看到的奇景第一时间地送给他；第一时间想起他。

After 5 months, I still do think so.

The emotional feelings toned down, same goes to attachment.

But constantly being able to reconnect, and personal messages across the social media still spells:

Reconciliation.

"Anything you draw, I will treasure it"--- T on my scribble of T on the postcard I sent from Sri Lanka.

I wouldn't keep my hopes high. Let's see how far this marathon takes.

Buffetting : T-revisited

So the random ex-stalking took place yesterday.

I was extremely vulnerable at that point, still thinking that we might still have a chance like in the shows.

After being illogical for 30 minutes, I've decide to spend 5 logical minutes to tell myself;

its not going to work. At least not right now.

So we might as well not think about it at all.

An excerpt from a TV show quoted:

感情上，谁认真就是输家--- in relationships, the one who is serious will always be the loser.

I wonder it applied to me. Or should it be games from now on?

On the other hand, I was telling why I am single till today when my parents decided to pay for my brother's girlfriend's family's dinner last night; because I don't need to spend my parent's money on someone else,yet.

While my mom uttered:

偷吃每人知。-- No one know if you were to have one in silence.

I guess it was a bulls eye.

At least it was.

Buffetting : Last day as 22

In 30 minutes time, stepping into 23 adulthood is probably another turning point of my life.

Last August 12th, my best birthday was meeting T, still is; but who knows what will be installed for me tomorrow right?

T asked what I wanted for my birthday the last time we chatted; still forgetting my birthday. I wonder if that will stick.

I said, I just want us to stay connected, and nothing else.

I don't wish for more now. I just hope things would be better when we both are working, and has more freedom over ourselves and our time.

finally caught up with Best Bud! Let's hope I get to visit him instead of him coming back home!

How does it feel being 23?

Sucks when everyone else is earning while you are still unemployed.

Rocks when you are doing something you really love.

My wish for 23, just let everything be okay for the rest of my life.

Like that's not hard.

Buffetting : My Song

I thought T and I had a song meant for us.

But I think this song sums up all my emotions when I was with T.

Now that its over, this song still reside quite vividly in me; putting itself as my favorite Thai song.

This too, reminds me, lets not do LDR anymore. It's too much of this song to bear.

I still do interact with T, those lovey dovey feelings are fading well as my logic takes over.

But, you can't stop a boy's head from missing the past feelings right? Makes perfect reference for future relationships.

To the upcoming finals!

Buffetting : Panic?

T texted me in the social media out of the blues.

Should I be hostile, or just plain friendly?

Hmm, shouldn't be thinking too much.

That is why friendship after romantic relationships are complicated.

Yet, I'm a proud Leo. Roar.

PS: Should I just end this or let it progress?

Buffetting : Braving

No tears, No regrets, No strings attached.

The transition began even before T uttered those words.

Of course, flashbacks recur on and off, but it wasn't as strong as it used to be.

It's funny, when you were in the relationship, you would just back everything up for the other half, no matter what.

When you sit back and analyze logically, T was definitely not the best lover out there. Maybe the best friend material, but most definitely not the best lover.

These develop after I said yes, and time took toll without me realizing it.

Lady Boss even used the word - bully.

I never really saw myself as the one being bullied in my relationship, but someway or another; I got bullied.

I became this, reserved other half who said to almost every single excuses T made; and even protecting T at all times. I wasn't the proud Leo who demanded for the attention I would, need, and definitely expected in a successful relationship. I allowed T, to be this typical Aquarius while I took in all those nifty advises the net has provided.

Which deemed me, extremely taxing on this side of the relationship.

Braving out of the relationship wasn't hard; because the problem was obviously not with me.

Braving into a new relationship, however is different. The hardship, the late nights, the "tolerance"; it was really taxing.

Perhaps it was the LDR. Or it might just be me being illogical when blinded by love.

I remember vividly; a person who I will fall for will be the person who made me irrational; was the trait I look into my lover. T managed to. But was not in the good way.

Anyhow, these doesn't really matter anymore. With T out of the picture; somehow the burden on my academic and career do not seemed to be that heavy anymore.

I can explore more, without confining myself to have the need to see T in Thailand anymore; and go further to reach higher peaks.

Thai will still be in my interest list, when I go multinational it is definitely the country I'm hitting after Japan.

I never realized how I subconsciously made T the world I revolve around before we broke up. It is pretty scary to know when I snapped out of the bubble.

Braving up, for a new relationship probably require sometime.

never seen myself that huge before

Biolexus suggested dating; which somehow I'm not inclined simply because I still believe meeting people in my daily life instead of intentional meet ups.

But who knows, things might be different? Not like I'm desperate or anything right now.

Before that, a new club and good grades for a better future.

Buffetting : Abrupt End

I should have seen this coming.

Z-tnt will still be here, as a reminder of a person I became of till I did not recognize.

Someone said I deserve another who pays more attention.

It has been a long and good 9 months.

We are still friends, I hope. But we should keep it that way.

No answer, no explanations.

Time to devote to something else.

Buffetting : Obsolete

Today is just a day which happened to be great, but I still do not feel a tinge of happiness in me:

1- My class ended earlier, and I hung out with the usual people. But it was just a simple lunch without much chance to talk about stuffs.

2- My free afternoon had to be replaced by a meeting; one which made me YET another club president. This time, with horses. I'm now the President of the Equestrian Club UPM. It's like, I don't know. I am totally unsure on how should I even respond to this.

3- The night was spent with Second Chances and Little Boss. The dinner down Petaling street was fun, managed to snap some pictures with the Blackbird Fly until a few pedestrians were staring on my gesture. Dinner was great, managed to find places to get souvenirs if T would need any in the future.

Until I came back to the room and found out my lecturer actually posted about the test syllabus, without even bother to go through me. I felt, obsolete.

Really, what is the point of being a course representative if you have to hailer the test scopes over the social media? It really made me feel like totally obsolete as a course representative.

It's a good thing I'm ending the semester soon, and stepping down. Diplomacy is something really taxing on me mentally to be honest, though I don't mind working with those to keep up to their dignity.

Another note would be, I realized T is much of a attention whore more than I do,probably. The mission to seek for "likes" and "comments" over the social media seemed, to be what T is hoping for; over talking about things with me.

I guess its just the way things are? I'm probably over analyzing.

With a position of a club president over another 2 more semesters, I should totally get myself more busy than think about T all the time now.

Buffetting : Who?

Just a random thought when I saw this post on the social media:

21 signs of you having a great boyfriend

Not hoping much from T, but I guess I should be the one working hard to become THE great boyfriend.

No point comparing all the time ait?

Bacteriology here we go~

Buffetting : It's a Marathon

Talked to Queen last night about all we have missed in each other's life.

She's finally made it clear with her useless baby-sitting-required ex of her, diplomatically.

Which is good, because she deserve so much more.

While talking about T it is so obvious that the whole sacrifice thing is lopsided.

I at some point give up in trying to seek attention.

This is a different type of relationship than the one I imagined for my first love, but well, who am I to complain right?

I am all for the marathon, but as of now I give up in trying to get T's attention.

I have dignity.

Buffetting : ODEC 2014

The newly formed Equestrian Club in UPM managed to pull the strings within 4 weeks to host the very 1st Open Day Equestrian Club 2014 today.

Although being just the invitation exco, I'd pretty much did so much more for the club and the whole event.

1- Painting the stable
2- Publicizing
3- Preparing Biodata
4- Being a laborer one way or another

I swear I've been into the Equine unit more frequently than I enter a lab this whole week.

A little drama on my jobscope, but everything went well.

The expectation of the crowd was pretty minimal, yet it turned out to be quite bustling throughout the day from 9am up till 12pm. It was, really unexpected because of the time span we had to prepare and publicize.

Nevertheless, it has been a great day. It was really fun educating the public, and even our own faculty's students on how to handle a trained horse.

The horse-back riding was really popular among the visitors, while the feed we prepared was also sold out.

I guess the whole event was fun for me because I get to do the education part to the public. People tend be extremely wary around animals, but the truth is domesticated, trained animals are much easier to deal with, as long as we know how to pull the ropes.

I somehow feel that equestrian is another undermined calling which resurfaced after my Chiang Mai trip.

"Elephants and horses are the same. It's all about the footwork. No foot, no horse, no elephant"; said Dr Erica Ward.

True enough, this is obviously a sign for me to stay more in the equestrian part of the play.

I want to learn skills to know how to deal with horses; as well as application for elephants.

Who knows, I might be the next Dr Erica Wards.

I guess I never really did consider equestrian before, but I should just put in a little more effort now since its something which I will need in the future.

and a great friend is made; or 2. meet Pandora, the horse; and my partner in crime for the event.

All in all, ODEC 2014 was pretty successful and fun. Did fix my interest on the equine field for now.

Readers who wish to have a visit to the equine unit, you can always drop me an email~

On the side note, watching the recent Spiderman movie totally jolted the relationship with me and T.

"Wherever you go, I will follow you. It is my choice"- Peter Parker to Gwen Stacy.

I was thinking about T all the time in the movie.

The kissing scene, the ground-rules scene, the Oxford scene.

It was just about the same thing I will be facing in the near future with T.

When we separate our paths, will we be still doing LDR?

Or will we opt to end it?

Will T be the Gwen or will I be? It was a headwrecker during the whole movie, really.

I miss the kisses, I miss it when T touches my cheek while driving, I miss T staring in my eyes.

I miss T.

But I'm sure I'm doing a bang up job distracting myself for the whole week.

Now that all the work and drama has ended, the next post will be on the stage drama I was involved.

Buffetting : In Need of Distraction

Struggling to get T out of my head for the past 2 weeks have nudged me the need to get distracted.

Going home to relax and have more to do is one way.

Succumbing myself in studies is another; although studying on reproduction anatomically and physiologically proved to be more of enhancement than distraction.

Immersing myself in busy schedule of activities deemed best.

But I have had enough of activities for the past 5 semesters. Really.

It's time to dive into something more, self-related. Like more languages, and hell, if I ever register a saxophone class.

I'd figure I'm the more attached one now. The horoscopes were right. We are in for a long ride.

I'm pretty sure we love each other as much, but Aquarius and Leo is pretty much the opposing nature to begin with.

This would pretty much summarize our, or at least MY issues now:

The major obstacle to love compatibility between a Leo and Aquarius is in their differing expectations from love. For the Leo, love is a 'grande passion' - full of extravagance, amour and drama whereas for the Aquarius it is more of an intellectual companionship where they can discuss and exchange ideas as well as explore new experiences with each other. Thus while the Leo expects and indeed is ready to offer complete loyalty to a partner, the Aquarius is much more protective about their personal freedom. The source of this major difference perhaps lies in their separate ruling elements.  The Leo is a fire sign and ruled by the Sun to boot, which makes them ardent, passionate lovers who may not be as emotional as water signs but nevertheless are capable of a deep connection with their partners. The Aquarius on the other hand is ruled by air which makes them prone to intellectualize romantic feelings and makes them rather emotionally detached. This difference to could be an important stumbling block in the Leo-Aquarius partnership and the only way to overcome is to be more understanding of each other’s motivations. While the Leo would have to learn to grant their Aquarius partners more breathing space, the latter would have to offer a greater degree of exclusive time and attention to the Leo partner.

The last part is extremely true as of now.

I need to breathe, so do T. I am in dire need to :

1- Get less attention from T. Maybe putting myself into activities again can pull the trick?

2- Know that we both have our lives to live. I shouldn't bind T's , neither should T bind mine.

3- Accept the fact that T loves me, its just that connection and timing will forever and always be a problem

4- Know that T loves me, despite the limited time spent and attention given. The devotion of the 3 days in Chiang Mai of close proximity, should have reassured that.

Not being able to chat as frequently as how normal couples do tolled me a lot; and sometimes the attention T gives to the family and so many other things apart from me, eats me up inside.

But I'd figured that, T's family has and will always be an important; more important part of T's life compared to a person, me who came into the life like, 8 months ago? 

I shouldn't be so selfish. Love is selfish; but love is all about giving too. I don't wanna be the nasty boyfriend, at least it would be easier if we are meeting our parents in the future.

And the fact that we are NOT a normal couple too, spells everything out.

Our nature of relationship is extremely hard to boot.

Our distance of relationship totally creamed the whole thing.

Our connectivity is just the cherry making the whole cake a perfect HARD.

Since it is going to be hard to begin with, I should just be grateful T is in my life.

Maybe we can be of more significance when we can actually live together independently from our families.

Buffetting : Untangled

I'm pretty sure I'm overly attached to T now, given I can't stop thinking about the times we had, and the ones we are about to have if I managed to plan any.

I've decided to make a bold move, which is to revert the friend status of T's in the social media from Close Friends to Friends only.

I think this move would give me more space to live without trying to stalk or hog T's life too much, so much to almost put it into under "scrutiny".

On the side note, I've un-favorite a few of my close friends too, just to give ourselves some time; and more time for myself.

Being attached is one thing, getting attached is another. I AM getting attached, way over the line; because it is affecting my life, just a little.

I need to get things back into order.

I have dreams with T. But I'm not certain if it would be reciprocated.

I can see a future, but I'm struggling really badly right now just to fit the whole picture into a right frame. It's definitely not healthy.

I'm clouded right now. It is high time for me to readjust my radars and set back into the right course. I have my own dreams to chase. Get focused, and get moving.

As for now, get good grades, contacts to various places, and conquer the world. With or without T.

I think,