Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Buffetting : It's All in the Genes

Naah, as much as I have engaged a love-hate relationship with genetics in the university now, I ain't talking about them. Prof Maude will prolly kill me if she comes across this.

Anyway, we were talking about how the new stream and old stream "races" come about.

If you take a good observation with the people around you, especially in Malaysia you can actually differentiate the people of each races over here into 2 streams, the new and the old streams.

Lets take Chinese for an example.

An old stream chinese, will probably associate much closer to what we called Ah Bengs and Ah Lians over here in Subang, and most of the time closely bound to the culture of Lala aka Failed Japan-izing.Blonde hair, long hair flapping over their faces covering over their eyes, stuffs like that; though lala and old stream Chinese may be mutually exclusive.

Another subculture of the old stream Chinese is their look, most of the time REALLY slanted eyes aka SEPET in BM, and their faces are somewhat closer to the mainland Chinese. Prone to speak Mandarin over English, and probably limited mastery of languages other than Mandarin, due to their Chinese education background.

The new stream chinese, is probably associated with what we called Bananas over here. They look like Chinese in the outside, with their fair skin and oriental looks, but with zero Chinese education background. Meaning, limited close to no Mandarin knowledge yet with fascinating command over, English.

In fact, they'd look different. They portray a much "new stream" look without the shadows of the past traditional old stream Chinese. Sometimes more confident, and less "sepet-ness" in their eyes, the way they walk is much less "back-hunching" compared to the old stream Chinese.

The same theory goes to the other races of Malay and Indian, in fact it is so much more obvious in Indians in my opinion compared to all other races. By the look into their face, I can determine if the Indian is an old or new stream Indian.
So are you an old or main? I was told in several occasions that I'm superly BANANA-looking, though I have yet to know the reason. I can speak fluent Mandarin and bitch please, I have SPM Mandarin Language okay? It's like Singaporean university level Mandarin. Yet, first look people still claims that I'm a freaking banana. Though I do have the sepet-ness in my eyes, puffed up by my excess adipose tissues.

Then it went on to how tall I am, and its so un-old stream Chinese.

I was leaving a comment in Danny's, when he asked if I were to be foreign-blooded.

As a matter of fact, I am actually 1/8th Portuguese.

From my paternal side. That explains the extra large limbs and other parts of the bodies which shall not be discussed.

Oh and the wavy hair.

It's kinda weird, to know that I'm actually a hybrid. But then again, I'm pretty sure my paternal side is quite the typical Chinese family.

So what do you have in your genes to be shared?

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Buffetting : Beating thyself up

I just realized the layout for blogger posting have changed, but that's so beside the point.

Another thing that I've realized is, I really have became someone really bitter,and my life is literally bitter.

Or is it just because how I perceive it?

Maybe, but how can my perception justify ALL that have happened to me?

I had a life, one that I would have given all for, one that I'd actually found my "love" for it in.

I really did. If someone were to ask me about what is love, that was what it was. To do something, working myself all out just for it. That unconditional and uncontrollable devotion I had, that was love.

And now I'm stuck with something that I resented to be in.

What's worse, I'm really lost now, stuck in the middle of nowhere, the quandary of oblivion.

What should I do next? Should I go on with medicine and just live with it?

Seriously, I can't see myself doing this. I've tried my really best(or worst) to make as minimal attachment as possible with my current life.

Less close friends.

Less positions.

Less participation in any kind of activities.

Less time spent even with my current academic circle.

I did all these just to make sure leaving is easy, and yes it is.

However, the are problems which I have discussed. It is not going to be the same anymore.

I did some contemplation, and indeed I CAN lived with this. I will have to slowly dis-attach from my current cohort, and slowly fuse into the next.

I am okay with it, plus, its not like friends gone forever, in fact they are there forever!

I will need to get used to a new environment, again. A new company, again.

It's like I'm destined to be alone because of my family.
One company after another, I have had to leave them because of some reasons my family managed to be part of.

And I just hate that. I hate the fact that I have to come to a situation which I have to hate my family.

I hate the fact that I can not see or look into my parents' eyes because of all the resentment I had.

I hate the fact that in the future I will be so resentful I wouldn't be able to be a filial child.

I hate the fact that I am not able to be close to the people I'm biologically closest to.

I hate everything right now!

Geez, bitterness.

Why am I beating myself up, so badly?

Guess I just have to submerge myself into my work to get rid of this, temporarily.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Buffetting : Do you ever feel?

Or were you ever told, that you are a good *fill in the blanks*

Do you ever feel that you are not exactly doing as *adjective* as what they'd actually said?

Or do you just feel contented on what people have told?

Sometimes its just so weird, because we are to perceptive of others' views on us.

Or at least it is for me.

I am currently assigned as the "leader" for my current group of academic associated, but we are meant to be really close friends as we are the first group of people we know upon enrollment.

It may be easy, or perhaps IS easy(yes I'm expecting some bombardment Aiden) task, but I personally find this designation challenging.

I need to get copies of notes done.
I need to attend to several different matters regarding the group
I need to coordinate dates, tasks and sometimes partners for tasks for the mates.

It seemed so trivial and little compared to what the course reps are doing, but we are different people and we have different priorities and expectations, so lets not get there.

It only clicked in my head that the group mates actually commented that I am a "good" leader, because I put on a checklist on what we need to settle.

I like things being done in a listed way. Sure give me surprises and I will deal with it, but it doesn't mean I will like it.

And being neurotic-prone as ever, I'm not sure how to react to such comments on me.

I know the typical gesture in the current course's mates, like all of them, is to just support the person no matter if he or she is actually doing it right?

Just like when I was imposingly being asked to represent my group(because I am somehow already being crowned as the brainiac) to make some explanation on the PCR and what are the controls of the genes of different length used for in gel electrophoresis.

I wasn't exactly sure, but I somehow in a way got the answer right, though it was really vague and fine line. The professor was really nice and supportive, and didn't shoot me down like she usually would during lecturers. (Thank you Prof Maude!)

And when I was walking back the other legendary smartass told me I was "awesome" in explaining.

I was like, "Yeah right!"

Paranoid or insecure?

Hmm, do you ever feel good when people tell you that you are good in something, or do you question if you were up to par?

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Buffetting : Why

As blessed as my life is, the curse on my life is equally mortifying.

I paid the TDA of the vet fac a visit today, and there was no good news.

I am not eligible to proceed my following semester with my original cohort.

Meaning I will have to join my juniors, the next cohort.

Which I thought it was fine, since I'm going for the course, not just the company.

Yet, things are bound to go haywire.

Do I still kick in with the previous cohort?

Will I be as close to the next cohort compared to the ones I came in with?

How exactly am I suppose to balance the previous cohort with the next?

Apart from academics, we have plenty of co-curricular activities which requires a collective means of effort, i.e. the whole cohort of the year to perform.

These includes the Vet Dinner, Dogathon, Majlis Silaturahim, Vet sports and so on.

Do I go on with the previous or the next?

What about the traditional top-down relation?

I'm like stuck in between.

Again,I will be the odd one out.

This is getting boring. and Frequent.

The whole night alone in the car was nuts. I talked to myself literally outloud.

Why do these happen to me?

Why am I subjected to my family's matters all the time in my life choices?

Why am I restricted to this?

Why is it that a person who is able to choose all courses in the world. being restrained to one course by the family no less?

It's like the family eats into my life everyday.

And its really depressing. Every night I had problem sleeping thinking of this.

Every other moment that I'm not occupied I will be thinking of these.

There are people who wish to live my life? Please, they were born into their lives.

I wasn't, and I had the choice. It's not that I do not have a choice, its because I have to meet the family's expectation.

Family again.

People outside treasure their families, how did I manage to come into hating mine?


Gosh I swear I'm in the verge to end this shit.

I'm so mentally and physically exhausted in keeping up this.

I'm 21, and I'm already having depression.

What's next? Bipolar or split personality?

Oh even better, lose my sanity.


Monday, April 16, 2012

Buffetting : 暖冬-





Sunday, April 15, 2012

Buffetting : Homey, or not?

It struck me when I was looking through the posts in Facebook.

Yes its so boring in the mid sem break and I totally did not do anything related to studies.

My friends from UPM posted stuffs like:

"Omgosh one week gone? Back to UPM? NOOOO!!!"


"I don't wanna leave home!!! Why why why??!!! More holidays please!"

Or stuffs like that.

I reacted differently though, probably because the distance of my home and my education institutions till today is minimal.

High School was of course easy.

As for university, UPM is only 20km away and heck Monash is only 5 minutes away.

The only period I was long enough to be away from home was when I enrolled UPM, and I lived in residential.

Funny, which I'd loved it a lot.

All, I mean ALL of my course mates were like crazy over holidays because they can head home.

I was totally different, in which I'd rather stayed in residential and not go home.

Seriously, why leave the residential college when it's so comfy there? Apart from lack of air conditioning, and probably a maid, everything else was fine.

I do not particularly demand for special demands or whatever, I just need a place for me to be there and that is totally fine.

As for not being near to people I know or close with, I'm ok. I don't feel "lonely" or whatever term people use for homesick, because I totally lived that life out by now.

Even my best bud is in the Oz land now, loneliness doesn't kick into me.

Is it because of the distance that I do not miss home? OR it's just that I am NOT a home person?

The fortune-teller once told my parents I'm the type that leaves home and "berfoya-foya"(international readers do ask a Malaysian) outside. One which I didn't really believe in.

However, as I grow older, the "prophecy" or whatever term to classify it became more and more compatible to my personal preference.

So maybe I am the type that goes out and sleep around and all?

I wonder.

Oh well, as for now, I can't wait for the next 6 weeks to end, and I can once again get back to my free and easy life in UPM.

There's no family matters, at least.

Friday, April 13, 2012

Buffetting : Names for Pets

I stumbled across this in FB via American Veterinary Medical Association.

I totally gagged my way off the list.

My favorite was:

Lord Godrick Von Mousenberg

Seriously, I wonder what kind of species was that animal. Mouse? Rat? Or maybe its just a Cat?

I've heard a few funny ones when along my life, eg:

Wasabi for an orangutan

Zinfandel(wine name) for cat

Nyanga for Lioness

Lord Louise for cat also.

As for my pets, I had 5, but 3 passed away because of 3 different accidents, all male pups.

My first one was Hachi(ハチ), named her after the number 8 in Japanese. Remember the famous movie Hachi? I never knew the dog existed, and it was like super famous among Europeans. But apparently Hachi is also called as BEE in Japanese, so my Japanese teacher thought I liked honey a lot.

Later when she got banged by a neighboring dog, she got pregnant and gave birth to 4 pups.

The eldest was named Mako(マコ), because of her M shaped white mark on her chest. It probably because a larger mark over the years.

The 2nd one was named Ichiro(イチロ), because he had only one slit of white mark on his shining coat of black fur when he was born. He passed away because he got strangled to death by his ELDER SISTER tied to the chain. Great right?

The 3rd one was named Hiro(ヒロ), because he had a wide white mark on his chest over his black fur. He passed away because he got rolled over by a car while he was 2 months' old.

The 4th and last one was named Yukito(ユキト), because he had more white spots around his black coat of fur than all his other siblings. He passed away first, and he died immediately when he got knocked by my sister when she reversed her car.

Sad I know, but I enjoyed naming my pups in Japanese. If I ever get new pets in the future, I think I will stick with Japanese, or German.

Lord Jorg Von Canineburg.


Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Buffetting : FB Friending

What takes you to click the "Approve" button on the system?

Does it take just a few chats over the air?

Or does it take a few days of interaction?

IT's weird, because I've always been in programs, 2 programs which have a large number of students in either course, close to more than 100.

And of course its impossible to know everyone.

But, it is not impossible for everyone to know you.

Especially when you are the sole person doing something something.

In my case, when I was in vet school, I was the person might be changing to med school, the person who screamed his lungs out during orientation, the person who drives to university, and possibly the person who the lecturers actually gossip over.

So, I don't know everyone who added me, but everyone who added me knows me.

This happens today again in med school. But I certainly have no idea how people knows me. Probably because I'm the only STPM taker in our course. Some even claimed that I'm "famous" for what exactly? Being one of the largest and tallest breed in the course?

Hmm, maybe.

I don't know how people know me, but I certainly don't know them yet. They just add me over FB, probably just after I said morning to them, or just a few smile streaked over the air.

I mean, if you want to add me over FB, at least talk to me first. Like a proper chat session will do.

It takes more than a few smiles and several "Good Morning" to be a friend.

A friend means more than just that. At least to the people I "see" everyday, but don't interact with.

That's why I have a whole long list of KIV friends in FB.

Until we interact enough, na ah. I'd probably considering to ignore some now too.

Plus, I'm not staying for long.

Monday, April 9, 2012

Buffetting : Haunted

By the past that is.

Are you proud of your past?

Were you happy living it?

Did you wish you'd ever had a chance, to re-live it again?

Think hard.

I have been haunted by my past recently at multiple occasions. And I don't like it.

I don't like my past not because of who I was, but who I was WITH, how I lived it.

I think everything was okay till I reached the stage of adulthood, in which I needed to take charge in almost all the of the things around.

That is also when I realized how cruel the world is, and how the slightest mistake can make huge impacts in my life.

As trivial as it sounds now, it meant the whole world to me. At least, the whole 4 years of devotion that is.

The last 2 years in high school was dreadful. I was lost, I didn't know what to live with.

Being an all time maid in the house, trying to juggle twelve subjects and multiple positions in the school, not to mention a feud with a fellow prefect colleague which totally tore me down.

The word was dreadful.

Thank goodness I've decided to pick up Japanese, which I'd say I did fairly well by passing the international language tests for two years now. Final level to go.

Honestly, Japanese was the only thing held me strong back then, now that I've realized. It was my dream, my hope, and my back up shoulder.

Even when I feel super down the same song plays over and over again, and I will recall those words over and over again.


Run faster than the wind, Look further than the sky, and be a new you.

These words pick me up everyday, and they worked me up till today. Thank you.

Hence, my fast pace of moving on. I do not wish to live in the past.

My company tends to tell me how they missed the past, because of the things they went through. They enjoy those times, savor and cherish them.

Little do they know, what I have went through those times ain't as sweet as them. They might have some problems along the way, what I had was problems all the way.

I guess I was a good actor, still is till today.

And so when people tend to tag me in old photos, I just untag myself.

It's so redundant. Reminiscing? You do it, I don't need the extra dosage of migraine.

I'm a bitter person?

You bet I am.

Saturday, April 7, 2012

Buffetting : Destine-d?

I have always been told I will become a boss, some day.

My grandmother said I will be one because when I was born I'm sitting/sleeping like the boss pose.

And then there are several multiple individuals telling me a have the "boss" look, wonder where the heck I got that from.

Today when I went for my facial, the lady told me once again, I will become a boss.

"WILL" is such a huge word.

But then again, does the "boss" they meant was just between the people I deal with in my academic lives?

There are 2 occasions I was referred to as the boss, the people from UPM and also the ones from my high school.

I have yet to become the boss among my group in Monash, but I'm already the so-to-speak PBL leader, close enough to the be the boss around.

And apparently my theme among the group is;

"Can we settle this first? We will do that later."

Like a boss.

Somehow I have to take charge because everyone in the group is just hyper.

So, am I really "destined" to become a boss?

Seeing either route of tertiary education I pick, the possibilities of me becoming a boss is quite slim.

Seriously, maybe until like after 15 to 20 years?

Hmm, I think I want to be a young boss over an old one.

Friday, April 6, 2012

Buffetting : Determine-d?

So the counseling went really well.

The counselor was the Oh-My-Gee-DRAMA QUEEN typo and I totally can related to her easily.


It was fun to talk to her, and I just literally dumped everything from my head to her.

Another person now tells me again that I AM my mother's child.

Because of the similarities we have, STRONG and STUBBORN. These two come together no matter what.

And that's the cause of our sparks and explosions around.

True enough.

And that was also another person telling me to go for an alternative persuasion; letter noting.

It was still vague that whether if I'd actually go all out, regardless of the company and environment I have back in UPM for the veterinary course.

But she cleared it out. I do.

I was already "labeling" myself as a vet, seeing how I associate works related to vet as a "we".

We do more than treating dogs and cats.

We control your livestock production.

We control your outbreak of zoonautics.

We keep the wild life heritage on check.

We protect the welfare of animals.

We are everywhere, parts of your daily life.

These were the reasons why I wanted to be a vet so badly, to tell people things.

And it is unfair to say that a life of an animal is less precious than that of a human.

That is downright shallow, and inhumane. Not what I seek in life.

I wish to educate people more about animals, their rights, how precious they are, and what they really have played significantly in our lives.

Health of a human, a nutritionist can do a better job advising, a doctor probably do more of the "fixing" part, when they graduate and work fully as a practitioner.

I guess I'm quite sure?

And it's time to make a judgement, and also a prep drive.

I've and will meet the end of the bargain.

The question is, will she?

PS: Thank you so much Ms Carole Chung, you were a wonderful person to talk to when things like these come into play. A huge burden was lifted instantly.

May your god bless you, may you be well and happy always.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Buffetting : Self-Coaxing

Walking along the streets seemed to be a lil harder task these days.

Reason being, probably I'm too free to observe the people around me.

Especially when you spot potential "other-half"s.

But, I realized I have talking to myself a lot in my mind, sometimes in the car just to coax myself;

It is not the time yet to think of these feeble matters, what is important is to get myself into a career pathway which I will, and need to be satisfy and happy for the rest of myself.

And I'd realized these are all suppressing factors.

What's worse, I've just been diagnosed with high blood pressure, one which is really bad.

It happened during the blood donation drive, which my hypertension sped up my blood donation at least by 100% of the time needed by normal donors.

And the Dr was saying I will prolly need to full body check up soon just to figure out the source of the unusual high BP.

I'm only 21, and I'm facing hypertension. What more down the road as a life of a doctor, and what more when I actually do not like what I might be doing?

Collectively, I should be going after something I love in live, since I might have a shorter life span due to my health.

Oh well.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Buffetting : Emptiness

Yesterday was literally a wake up call for me, other than last friday's practical on General Anatomy.

I realized I am a very competitive person. I need to reprise my role as a studious person, at least be equipped with suffice knowledge to not be blur in most of the situations around.

I felt superior not understanding what was going on.

What's worse, I feel obligated to uphold the position as the leader of my group, as well as one of the oldest student around.

I guess I should fill the this emptiness in the campus with studious ways.

At any rate, I would need to fit into UPM with considerable amount of knowledge if I were to join them again this September.

If that ever happens.


Suppressing one's feelings is quite a considerable amount of effort, even more when one's lost.

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Buffetting : Not Interested

I've been talking to like almost all the people around me, except for my family about this.

I have absolutely no interest in what I'm doing now!

Pharmacology aside, cause it totally rocks my world, the other part of the course is nothing but mere chores to me.

I have like a gallon worth of notes yet to be digested, and here I am blogging my way off.

Isn't this a sign that I'm not one bit aware and care of what I'm doing?

Or is it just the premature rejection I have in me?

Weird, seriously I have lost all adrenaline.

I'm keeping up with assignments and all just because I have to do it, not I want to. At least from where I see it.

All the med students in my course keeps on saying that they ain't studying well, but I'm sure they will score like shit.

As for me, I live up to my words. I am NOT studying, much.

Integrative medicine and law, here I come, at least for a while just to cover my guilt for not paying attention or care about it.