Buffetting : Letter to Mom.

WARNING: UBER LONG POST AHEAD. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK AND TIME

Dear mom,

               I’m sorry I had to use this measure to break it out to you. It’s because I’m really afraid of talking this matter with you right now. It has been 9 weeks since I’ve enrolled in Monash, and it was a hefty amount of RM45000 that you have paid for my fees.I’ve learned a lot here, about diseases, things related to human health, how to fix them, and stuffs like that. I’ve also learnt that, being a human medical associate means to sacrifice a lot into practicing medicine. I will need to devote my time for the knowledge, devote my time for the skills, devote my life for other people’s life, and my health for other people’s  health.

               It would be something I’d love to do, back then. But after what I have been through in A levels, then STPM, and then UPM, then Monash, I don’t think I have the affinity to do these anymore. I do not want to live a life, which requires me to stick in for the career all the time. I do not wish to live in the life which I do not have affinity or passion for it anymore. Let’s take now for an example. I’m studying medicine, not because I have passion for it, because I was asked to. Later on in life, I will need to treat people, and its because I was asked to, again. Take note of how severe it is when someone is actually “asked” to do something. It did not come out as what I WANT to do, its because somebody ASKED me. This is not a good sign to have for a life career. Many will argue I can do something else after I’ve completed 5 years of medical education. But, is that worth your money? It is not. If I were to become medical equipment dealer, I might as well take up business. You said I can take up medicine, then traditional chinese medicine, and then open up a clinic. But, clinic is not what I want to have. At least, not JUST clinic.

You may think I’m being childish, immature, and all the negative words you can describe me because I do not want to take up medicine.  You dream of a life where I get consultations by patients after I specialized, then lead a good life. But are you certain that is the life I have ever wanted to live? Sure it might get me good money, but I will not be living a quality life. Yes, getting a job which have higher interest return is what most people would be looking for now, and I am too. But, I want to be able to live when I’m young, not when I’m old. Honestly, I am already having high blood pressure when I’m only 21. And this has happened since I’ve finished STPM, when I donated blood in 2010. 2 years later I’m being told the same thing. Do you know how high blood pressure come about? Stress, of course you do. As for now, I’m doing something which I do not have genuine passion for, and the stress of anxiety kicks in all the time because I have no idea how to face you. It is not good for my health and I know it. Dealing with studies which I have no genuine passion for just increases the dosage of stress I have, and will tax on my body. Stress can be good or bad, and this is quite bad. You might ask me to let go of veterinary medicine, and just do what YOU wish. But, may I ask you one question? Can you let go of medicine and let me do what I want for a change? I know you are going to bring up A lvls VS STPM issue again, but I’ve grown quite a little from back then. STPM have changed me a lot, and also how I look at medicine. It is just not for me, because I will not go ALL out for it.

An example would be you going all out for your business. You are willing to stay up all night, because you want to earn a good living, a better future for the family. I did that for STPM, and I did the same when I was enrolled in a vet program. Yet, in medicine, I can’t go all out. I just don’t have the passion anymore. I don’t genuinely care for people’s health anymore because of the condition I was brought into the medicine program. It is no one’s fault. It wasn’t your fault for allowing me to try out vet, because that reminded how ALIVE I can be while I know what I’m doing. When I applied for medicine, I read up articles, went to interviews and everything, but by the end of the day I still don’t know what I want to do. I speak of my interest in specializing in psychiatry or orthopaedics, but I say it because people were asking about it. It was certain not my fault either because I’ve finally found something I like to do. I didn’t know what I want in life, but thanks to you for allowing me to enter UPM, I finally know what I want in life. I want to get in touch with nature, again.

Now when I’ve entered a med school, for a semester like you have suggested, I realized I don’t know what I’m doing here. I do not see where I will go in the future, and even during clinical skills I just don’t see myself treating people. I’ve somehow grow to feel bothered to be treating people. What more, the status of the medical career in Malaysia is going no good. You might not see the impact now, but you will see it when I’ve graduated as a vet. You will then be happy you didn’t invest on a program without any returns. Frankly speaking, if you had asked me to continue my 5 years as a medical student, I might probably quit in year 3, because of the workload which I do not wish to take. I might not even start my housemanship, because I do not wish to.

I want you to know that it is NO ONE’s fault that I turn out to not want to take medicine. It is because I have walked a very different route in my life to get to where I am here.  I wish that I could appreciate what you want for me, a good life ahead.  And asking me to take up something as  hectic as medicine, which I have not, and probably will not grow to like , is like asking me to marry a person I have no feelings for. It will be a horrible experience for you, and me. I will turn out to be a doctor with a license to kill. Do you want to see your son doing bad stuffs in a future?

It is not like I’m doing drugs, or I’m getting into crime, or I’m doing some weird and redundant courses like game programing or diploma in hairstyling. I’m actually enrolled into a medical program, very well deemed respected. I’m saving lives also, just not human. I will be able to preserve human lives, by preventing the spread of diseases between human and animals. I will be able to improve the quality of human lives by improving the health status of the animals we consume or have as mates. I will be able to educate people more about how important animals are to humans, the other way round, and also preserve the living beings which are continuously being destroyed by human. It is very well-associated with human medicine if you are really worried that I can’t secure a future. I can, and I will. It is just the matter of how I deal with it.

I just want you to know, I’m not JUST doing this to fight you. I know what I want in life now, and I have an aim, that is to change the perspective and views of people on the vet profession and animal. Medicine gives ticket for people to fix people when they are very messed up, when they are in contact with disease, with a broken arm, with problems. You might think it is very noble to help human, but I think dealing with animals is what I wish to do , and can do right now. All these conflicts happened when I’m on the way to pursue my life career, and my life for the rest of the days I’m living has made me very rejecting, and it will NOT help me in my later stages of studies. As for now, I’m studying because I do not wish to put the money you have invested to waste in my current semester, but I’m pretty sure I’m not doing well at all, because I’m not giving my 100% in pursuing the study. Why? Because I have already gave up and am not bothered about the medical profession anymore. It will be a waste of money to continue funding me for a course, which I have no interest in. It is unfair to me, because I’m wasting my time and its definitely unfair to you and the amount you put on me.

At some point, you might be disappointed in me. But I think I have worked hard enough up till today to keep up with your expectations. Taking up medicine might be your ultimate wish for me, but it is time for me to tell you frankly how I feel. I don’t want to be a person who do something because I am asked, or because the condition says I should. I want to know what I do, and the work as a veterinarian tells me I know what I want, and am doing. So please, do not be upset. Because by the end of the day, I will be living this live, and because I chose it I will not regret it. A levels was a disaster because we did not communicate properly, and I couldn’t live up to the financial burden of the psychology, as well as the presence of Chia Jing because I was afraid that you might do some comparison. Do you see how all these stressful event arises because I was so afraid? These were the problems. As for now, I know what I want, and Vet was something I’ve worked really hard to achieve. Getting into a medical school in Malaysia today is no longer a big issues, especially private ones. I am certain I will be able to lead a better, higher quality life as a veterinary medicine student in a public university, than a medicine student in a private university.

So don’t be disappointed because I chose something I’d actually like, and that I know I will work my life for it. Be proud because your son is actually taking a program which will be of benefit towards the development of the society and country. Be proud because I am no doing any crime, drugs or things which harm people. Be proud because your son was the only person in either side of the family, be it Teoh or Tan to be able to get into both Public and Private university. And be proud again, because your son actually is doing something he have genuine interest for, not just the monetary interest. Last but not least, be proud, because I have keep up with so many attempts and expectations you have in me.

STPM was the last thing you should be worrying about. Vet is definitely something I will have full interest with, and I will have no regrets doing it. Whether or not if I should have enter IMU first, or I shouldn’t have enter UPM for experience, it does not matter anymore. What matters most now is, I’m doing something which I will do the rest of my life, and I’m certain of it. Plus, I’ve got all the fees covered. With PTPTN loan, I can cover ALL the fees by the loan without you having the need to fund my study fees other than the living cost. You can invest on other properties which may generate even better monetary returns. So please, I ask again, let me continue my pursuit of knowledge in veterinary medicine. I miss the joy of gaining knowledge, and I’m certainly not having it now.

Your son,

Robinn