Monday, April 21, 2014

Buffetting : Untangled

I'm pretty sure I'm overly attached to T now, given I can't stop thinking about the times we had, and the ones we are about to have if I managed to plan any.

I've decided to make a bold move, which is to revert the friend status of T's in the social media from Close Friends to Friends only.

I think this move would give me more space to live without trying to stalk or hog T's life too much, so much to almost put it into under "scrutiny".

On the side note, I've un-favorite a few of my close friends too, just to give ourselves some time; and more time for myself.

Being attached is one thing, getting attached is another. I AM getting attached, way over the line; because it is affecting my life, just a little.

I need to get things back into order.

I have dreams with T. But I'm not certain if it would be reciprocated.

I can see a future, but I'm struggling really badly right now just to fit the whole picture into a right frame. It's definitely not healthy.

I'm clouded right now. It is high time for me to readjust my radars and set back into the right course. I have my own dreams to chase. Get focused, and get moving.

As for now, get good grades, contacts to various places, and conquer the world. With or without T.

I think,

Sunday, April 20, 2014

Buffetting : CM Day 8

I really wanted T to come in to the hotel so we had more time today. I woke up at 6.30 hoping T would come in, but it was 7.30 when T popped in.

I made T come up, and well, stuffs happened. I feel like I need to protect us both here, so I will leave this out to the people I'm really comfortable talking with.

The rest of the day was on Songkran. More people, more sales for the cap and drinks, and more tiring because of the whole water splashing thing.

I would say the Songkran ain't as fun as I thought it would be? In fact it was pretty tiring and I couldn't wait to get back to the hotel. Maybe its because T had to leave for home earlier because I didn't tell I'm staying longer and I screwed up T's plan and I should have said I am staying longer earlier so we have more time so kill me nowwwwwwwwww.

But I had a fair share of fun with T's friend, N,another girl with all our gossips about , well, T and a few of the friends whom I know.

I feel like I had to be there and help out vending because they will and have helped me so much in my stay; while T is away back home. The Thais there really thought I was a Thai, when I fooled like almost all the Chinese, Malay, Japanese and English who were there travelling.

Heck, I'm that good hahahah.


I find that handing out with T's friends allow me to know more about T not just from where I see, but from where the friends see T too. It's definitely something T wouldn't realized I'm taking advantage of.

But thanks to that, I can conclude that, we can and are definitely going far. My insecurities have been solved pretty much to the maximum level.

T's level of busy is like, worse than mine. That, I'm pretty assured from the way I see all the other vet students in the university is juggling with. So, there's no secret, no not telling me because of whatever.

It's just, plain busy.

I am glad T is busy. It means participation and initiative, something I would love to have in someone to be in the rest of my life.

The day ended with a good Lanna food with N, P and G. They were great hostesses and I had a great time learning bad Thai words from G, and linking diseases from BSE to Lyme disease in the whole time.

The conclusion of this trip is,

1- I have learned a lot in the elephant camp, and I might be looking into it again. It is definitely not the most lucrative job out there, but I will need more time to think over. T is looking into this seriously, and maybe; just maybe we can do this together.

2- I have learned so much more about T, the family, the favorite color, lactose intolerance, different sizes of everywhere of T, and I couldn't be more happy.

3- I don't mind giving up my life here in Malaysia for T. I can mingle well everywhere apparently, and T's friends love me as much as I love both T and T's friends. It's like a perfect mix.

4- It was my dream relationship. It wasn't love as first sight for me, but it was for T. And I'm glad we made it this far.

5- T's past relationship didn't happen because of distance. I feel like I'm living the perfect dream, because we came this far, with a greater distance compared to the past relationship.

6- Thai will now be my 2nd focus instead of Japanese. I don't wish to give up Japanese yet, but since I'm already having a considerable command of it, its not a bad idea to switch a focus now.

It has been a magical week. Time to get serious, and put what is important in front right now. TEST 2!!!

Saturday, April 19, 2014

Buffetting : CM Day 7

Songkran was a different thing for me, a Malaysian.

While I was hoping for more walking around like a crazy dude splashing others, T got me into a vending job with his friends.

On Saturday I was pretty upset because we had little time together, but like the whole big chunk was given to T's friends and everyone else.

Even towards the night, T had to leave back to the dorm earlier to get rest since the whole day has been crazy.

I was freaking tired too, but I don't mind spending more time. I got upset, but it took me less than 10 minutes to realize, T is very tired. Waking up, making sure I'm okay and well taken care of, I don't think I should impose anything on T anymore.

Saturday was pre-Songkran so the roads weren't as busy. Selling the hats and drinks were pretty crazy, but I think, stepping in T's circle of friends is pretty important. It makes me feel like I'm part of T's life, indeed the very important one too. The circle in their faculty is similar to ours; one news and the whole faculty knows- that closely-knitted.

I guess I shouldn't be upset spending time with T's friends, since it actually means I'm at least one step ahead in getting approved and being part of T's life in the future, if I were to be going at T's for good?

Saturday started with a trip to the temple, then to the old city for vending duties, and ended with a crazy buffet with T and T's friends.

I would say, I have learned a lot more about T this trip, and I'm extremely glad we actually did what we did today. At least I can learn about T not just through our interaction, but the real T together with the friends too. It's definitely something I truly treasure and appreciate, for T to allow me to be part of this life.

We had little close to no time together today, but it was, a great day.

Friday, April 18, 2014

Buffetting : CM Day 6

The last day in the Elephant Nature Park, seemed surreal. One end I totally wished it went fast so I can meet T; another just creeps me from inside because there is so much more to learn! We had a footcare specialist over, named Alan Roocroft coming over all the way across to globe to aid in advising and suggesting improvements to the park. Although he is very knowledgeable, and there's so much to learn from him I'm sure, I pretty much only get like dusts from him today because of the time of contact we had.


The day was pretty much the same on the morning and afternoon; the treatment for the usual ones, like Mae Lae Tong, Mae Tee, Jampang; while in the training wall we had Boon Ma, Lucky, Danny, Bae Long.


What was different today from the other days is the input we have from Alan. A person with 51 years of experience, Alan definitely have brought in plenty streaks of new light into our practice. Dr Erica, in the footwork who is usually uncertain of her extent of work because of the limited the knowledge access now knows how far she can go while working with the feet. The behavioral part of the elephants was also extremely important. The gait of the elephant, how to work around the elephant in ways like:

1- Chaining the elephant. Chains should have their tension put again the pin, not the chain lock itself so more pressure can be withstood
2- Stand and work closer to the chained side of the elephants. The other side which is unchained will induce a more formidable impact when the elephants attack in aggression.
3- Slowly tame the elephant into doing what you wish them to do with food. An example woulkd be making en elephant to lie down. Start off with a small hill of sands, slowly and remove the sandpile once it is good enough to get the elephants to lay down completely.
4- When positioning the leg of the elephant, place them higher in the bar. Animals will find it harder to remove their leg when positioned higher, as compared to little or close to effortless when placed lower in the bars.
5- Filing the toes of the elephant, let it be tear drops on equal side, both originating from the center of the toe.


I could have learned more if I had more time with them, but, well, something else was calling. Working with the vet and trainer team has defiinitely became one of the best experiences I ever had. Coming back, may be in my list one day.


Later on the day I've finally met T. The whole meeting was very personal, and those who want to know, you know how to get to me.  

Thursday, April 17, 2014

Buffetting : CM Day 5

The morning was regular, foot scrubbing and pus draining until Dr P started his work on the pig in the farm. She was tied on the snout using the typical pig snount, but she was grunting a lot, and VERY loud, till the point Dr Erica had to plug her ears with her finger like a little girl. We started off trying to sedate her using sedatives and 18G needles; which we failed to get it in even after 30 minutes, although we had 3 qualified vets in the confinement. Dr Erica insisted in getting the butterfly catheter, which to her expectation worked. Although Dr P wanted to trim the nasty sow's hooves without the sedative, Dr Erica insisted on the sedatives to prevent further struggling and distress to the sow.


Originally not planning to be part of the procedure, Dr Erica ended up helping out and getting involved anyway. As the butterfly catheter went in witht he sedative injected under Dr Katheryn's help, the sow dropped down instantly. Dr P started the cattle knot on the sow; which upsets Dr Erica a little because it was a sow, not a cow they were trying to treat. She and Dr P has their difference, but she acknowledges the fact that everyone has their own way in treating the animals, so there isn't an absolute right answer.


While they administered the 2nd dose of 1g thiopentol sodium into the sow, they were worried they might need another dose, hence sending me back to the clinic to get 2 more bottles. I sped to the clinic huffing and puffing; only to realize I didn't ask where the vials were. I ransacked the racks but I couldn't find any. I've never been the best dude to search for items, even back home; but I've decided that I shouldn't waste too much time on finding something which I don't even know where it can be, and sped back to the confinement. Dr Erica and Dr Katheryn were extremely understanding when I apologized because they didn't direct me at the right direction. The sedatives were in the small animal clinic, which I have had no idea where it was anyway; and it would be a miracle for me to get even a bottle from the elephant clinic.

As they were discussing, I realized how different it was things in the west compared to what we have at home. If I were to commit the same mistake at home; I would have been bashed by the seniors or vets on my failure to actually ask and confirm the position of the items before I dashed. Even I would do that. But Dr Erica totally took the fault by her own, instead apologizing to me although she is the vet whom I am supposed to learn and shadow here. Something which I'm really glad to be working with.

The hoof trimming went smoothly; Dr Erica made it a point that whenever she is treating a bad hoof, cow, horse or pig; she would trim till the first bleed or pus-oozing out so that draining of it will take place. If it were to be a mare, she would wrap it with plaster or what not; but since the sow has a high chance of tearing the wrapping if it was done; while unwrapping the wrapping again incur another sedative session, she've decided to leave it with some povidone flush.

The whole sedating-trimming session was pretty dramatic, 3 vets with 4 assistants no less; but it was pretty cool to see so many knowledgable vets working together to solve a case. Dr Erica is extremely worried about the heating up of the sow because of the physiological disability of pigs to sweat; she waited until the sow wakes up before she splashed the sow with a basin of cool water.


The morning continued with positive reinforcement and footwork in the training wall with Crissy; while the fun part was not till after lunch.

After lunch, we managed to witness the booting of Mae Tii, the elephant with foot prone to infection by Dr Erica and Steve, an Ozzie man who brought the boots in. It was like a pretty ice skating shoes on Mae Tii, but the glides made so much more noise. It's made of canvas and some cushioning, and was meant to put on Mae Tii during raining season when the foot infection flares up substantially. Since the mud is much more intensified during the raining season, the abscesses of course increased too Putting the boots on will reduce, hopefully the pus formation. Dr P took the liberty to show me his version of the boots for Mae Tii which he made himself too. Those were pads at the bottom, with ropes to tie the pad firmly at the bottom without the socks part. The ones Dr Erica used had socks, so it somehow will reduce the amount of pathogens entering the pad, while Dr P's had like open entry for any kind of pathogens. I guess he didn't communicate with Dr Erica well about the idea of the boots they had differently.


The afternoon continued and ended with the usual afternoon treatment. Everyone else is much comfortable in letting me to take over some jobs today; to my dismay I'm leaving tomorrow. I love the job here, but I guess I love T more *joking*.If I had the choice, I would stay longer, definitely.

I was supposed to be out with Banks, Bon and Bae tonight for some party; but I guess I was a little too late and there's this miscommunication. I ended up waiting from 5.15 to 6.00 pm for Bank, but he didn't show up. I guess its just my luck then? It's not a big deal, I'm working with them and taking pictures with them too, plus I'm the outsider here anyway.

Today has been great, plenty have been learned. I'm somehow looking forward and not to tomorrow, like I'm looking forward to meeting T, but I'm not looking forward to say good bye yet because there's so much to learn and so much to miss here. The people, the elephants, the work, the food, ugh, my room; I definitely will come back again if I had the chanced, time and resources.


There will be a foot specialist coming in tomorrow; hopefully I can learn more, at the same time taking pictures too for my collage and memories storing.

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Buffetting : CM Day 4

Today was a much more chillax day compared to the days before. I went to the clinic early in the morning to prepare for the morning rounds in the elephants shelter with Dr Erica. Just the usual meds, like povidone scrub and flush; chlorohex scrub and flush. I finally took note of her meds box which usually have these stuffs in there:

1- Gloves
2- Gentadine violet spray
3- Swabs
4- Mg SO4 powder for antibacteriocidal purposes as dry treatment
5- Bactacin which is fluroxane cream
6- Antiparasitic powder negasunt
7- Syringes
8- KMnO4 powder as antibacteriocidal


A new batches of meds came in when Dr Katheryn from Arizona popped in, bringing in new meds like:
1- Endorumen tubes
2- Fluxinin Megluminr Powder as pain meds
3- Anaesthetic drugs
4- Catheter and needle jabs
5- Wonderdust which function like MgSO4


Some wonder why don't we administer pain meds much(antiinflammatory) on the elephants experiencing foot problem. I did myself, Dr Erica said that by doing that we take away the pain which is preventing the elephant from using it much; in return making the elephants to actually use more of the foot, making the healing process slower, or worsen the condition itself. Which pretty much make sense. Some elephants which shouldn't be moving around sometimes are still being brought about to move around, inflicting more stress on the foot, reducing the healing time and expose the foot more to pathogens which cause pus. If they are moving around, pain meds will be omitted. However, if they will be confined, Dr erica will consider pain meds since they aren't moving much anymore anyway.


We continued with daily treatment 2 more elephants with pus. i managed to get my hands on flushing the pus today; which was surprisingly hard because of the thick skin of the elephants as well as the areas which the pus actually hides. The elephants are usually with their mahouts so they are being controlled one way or another, when we work on them. So safety willl still be an issue, but much minimized when the mahouts are around. The general work on the elephants with pus problems will be flushing them with water, then povidone iodine until the pus is all out with clean iodine streams, and then injecting them will bacticin to minimize the pus formation on the next day.  


After the morning treatment the vet work is pretty free in the morning session. Since Dr Erica will be catching up on med records, she asked me to join the volunteer work instead. I joined after the team was done with poop scooping, so we went on sawing the banana trunks for the elephant snack. When we were done, whats next is after lunch so I headed for a nap.

Lunch was great, and we continued with kitchen work in the afternoon. Bananas are like staple food for the elephants so we unloaded, probably half a tonnes of bananas in to the kitchen? It was fun when everyone from different background screamed at the falling bananas when we failed the catch them well. After banana work, we proceeded to cleaning up the banks of the river from the feces and food crumbles like the leaves and all before we called it a day, for volunteers.


I proceeded to the elephant clinic and shelter at 3.30 in the afternoon for the afternoon treatment. We packed a lilttle in the clinic, while i was fascinated with the banana balls prepared. there were 2 types, one with heavily injected vitamin B balls, which are given to elephants which are weak. Since vit Bs are neurophysiologically helpful, the results were shown to be quite promising from the treatments before. Another red ones are the ones with mild vitamin B and supplements which are given to the other elephants just to support their growth well.

The elephant shelter treatment today was pretty much the same, though i managed to notice something wrong with Mae Lae Tong left hindfoot when I was trying to flush it with povidone iodine. It kept moving its foot up and down, and I couldn't get a clear shot. Dr Erica said that it might be an infection coming up so she add on some MGSO4 before we headed for another elephant's treatment.


We fixed 5 elephants' foot today, all of them with recurrent foot issues and they are treating twice a day anyway. After that, we helped Crissy to desensitize Fah Sae who is pretty jumpy since she is still new around, as well as Sim Pei.

I managed to hand feed another elephants, Boon Ma directly into her mouth, although we were told not to. She was really close to me while she used her trunk to kind of wave into her mouth, so I just abide. It was really fun and nice of her, because to me its a sign of trust. Not everyone actually wants someone else's hand in their mouth. I'm not too sure whether I was touching her tongue, it seemed like it, it wasn't as papillated as I thought it would be, In fact it was really tender like an inflated balloon. After finishing her feed, Dr Erica proceeded to desensitize Jam Paa with her leg and ear, which was pretty successful. Desensitizing ear, particularly will be useful in the future when she will be drawing blood or making ear swabs.


The day ended with that, while dinner was pretty cool. I should totally make a post on the people I met here. 

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Buffetting : CM Day 3

Day two I was greeted up by the loud trumpeting calls of the elephants. After breakfast, Jean one of the volunteers brought me to meet the volunteer vet and Thai resident vet; Erica and Dr P. I was pretty much sticking with Dr Erica throughout the day.


Sticking with a vet and learning the veterinary side of the ENP was a great insight. Following her around treating the elephants definitely allows me to have more access to the knowledge I seek.

What the vet does here is basically maintenance on the footwork, the skin and cuts, the eyes and sometimes the ears. The sad thing is the facility is not well equipped enough for an open surgery setting yet, though there wasn't any surgery to begin with anyway; apart from the buffaloes and dogs around the reserve.


We worked on several different elephants, mostly females while I had an extremely hard time remembering their names and which one they are. But, I guess I will learn throughout the week. There are a few things to know working around elephants pertaining the safety of both parties:

1)    differentiate the threat signals from them. Elephants wave their trunks, tails and head all the time. So it is normal. However, when threatened they usually spread their ears wide to make themselves look larger. During scouting they lift year trunk up like they seemed to investigate, usually just to send warnings to the threats around, and wouldn't be on full charge. If their ears are spred with curled trunks inwards, you are in for a full charge, and chasing May even occur.
2) go from their back, not front to different sides of their body. Try not to get too close between elephants if you are not familiar with the elephants at all.


There are a few interesting work Erica have performed on the elephants. One of them is the usual footwork and abscess cleaning. Footwork includes flushing them with clean water, brushing the mud and dirt off the foot to prevent dirt sticking between cracks or crevices, flushing with povidone iodine. Filings sometimes will be given to take away the dead cuticles around the nails, just deep enough to get the nails away and prevent dirt from sticking in them. Abscess cleaning includes flushing them with the povidone iodine, until there is no puss in the holes anymore, and then application of bacticin(antibiotic used in horses) into the abscess pit. It is not usually practiced, pumping bacticin a kind of antibacterial, but it aids in preventing the puss from solidifying in the scar. A thing to note is, allow abscess to open up by itself so the cleaning up would be easier.


Although it seemed like a small chunk, footwork plays the most important part in keeping the elephants healthy, as they travel a lot in a day. Some elephants with reoccurring problems with puss will require cleaning with either chlorohexidine or betadine(generic name for povidone iodine), scrub and flush of the same kind. Cross usage of each product will cancel off each other's effect. After flushing the wound is being sprayed with gentadine violet, an antiseptic. This so commonly done on elephants with bad legs and had past experience with landmines.

The most interesting part of today's trip was the positive reinforcement practice in the park for the elephants. Volunteers here do not believe in punishing the elephants for what they didn't do; instead they focus on rewarding for them to cooperate. That's what they called positive reinforcement. They do something positive, they are being reinforced with the rewards given. This method id particularly useful in future attempts to give treatment to the elephants, so no screaming or hooking will involve, instilling unnecessary stress on the elephants which will not promote healing anyway.

What is being done here in the positive reinforcement is that, the elephants will be isolated first in the training wall. A physical barrier between the animal and the handler will deem a much positive and safer environment for the training to proceed. Elephants are arguable the strongest animal on land, and one swing, either playful or threatening one will inflict substantial damage to handler. Before desensitizing the animal, adult or young, handlers should be training the elephants in the training wall or with a physical barrier. In the training wall, there are holes at the lower ends of the steel wars for the elephants to rest their legs when treatment is being attempted. While the handlers try to communicate with the elephants, they use long rods with bubble foam or sponge coats to slowly pat on the side or the leg in which they wish to have on the wall. As the elephants respond positively, they will reward them will chunks of fruits to reinforce those behaviors and cooperativeness. The handlers here, Crissy and Michelle are people will extremely good patience, big heart and are incredibly lovely to the elephants. They made the point to treat these elephants and train them like how they would train dogs, or even horses. Its really heartwarming to see them treating the elephants so gently, with full respect and care for the elephants which are really gentle in nature. What Erica does here is to time those sessions, on how long the elephants keep their legs up in a span of time; gradually increasing them every two days to desensitize the elephants towards the reinforcement.


The end of the day we completed the day with treating the few elephants which require footwork twice a day. I managed to only remember Mae Lae Tong now because of her leg with a badly blown off scar from the landmine. The usual work will be scrubbing with povidone and flushing them; putting antibiotics if needed. Later on we went on to aid crissy and michelle desensitizing the baby elephants with 1.5 yrs, 1 yrs old and 8 months old. (Nevann, Yindee and Dek Mai).


The vet work ended at 5, while I enjoyed a cultural night after dinner with Jean, Can and Tork, The night was a little hard without the power, but i slept much better than the night before because i know how to work around the mosquito net now.



Monday, April 14, 2014

Buffetting : CM Day 2

The drive to camp, was as awful as any drives if had before in Chiang Mai, but the fresh air in the camp on the instance I got off the car was energizing.

Tork , our tour guide, ranger, whatever you call him showed us around on the basic locations we will be moving about in the camp including the dog and cat shelters, the meeting quarters, the dining quarters, the viewing bays and platforms, as well as the gift shop.


The first trio we encountered was Yindee, his aunt Mae Lae Tong, and the mom Si Pei

To be honest I have no idea how to differentiate each of them, maybe a longer stay will change that. T

Next up we went for lunch in the dining area with full vegetarian buffet.the food was just homey, maybe a little tinge of northern Thailand taste.


The weird phenomenon I noticed in the weekly volunteer program is, I'm the freakin only non Thai Asian here!! There are people from London, Perth, Michigan and heck, Barcelona but I'm the only sepet from Kuala Lumpur.

It took toll a little on me when there were these girls from London and Manchester talking with me stuck in the middle. I got lost when they started talking about their traveling routes in west coast of America.

 I broke the awkward moment getting myself a 200 baht cap when I started to get really stucked in between.

After lunch was documentary on the dark ends of elephant tourism, which gave me some questions on the differences end have with the other training camps out there


1- the ceremony to break the elephants down,paja, how will it fare when it comes to the traditionalists out there?
2-caring with love is one thing after another, but the restrain in chain part, how do you go about in treating those elephants needing it?
3- mahout training and elephant riding, how do you see it? Permissible if not hurting the elephants in general!
4- human intervention as it is. If the best thing is to send the elephants back into the wild, we are also intervening right now putting them into sanctuaries. What about those owning them personally? Will you see this as loopholes instead?

Picking up my room was a little intense, because there were 10 times more ladies than guys in this week, Pete knows why. In the end I got a room, all to myself *floats in air *


Just to realize, heck a roommate would be so much fun than being aimless looking for a table during the meal hours. Bummer

Anyways, the afternoon we get to bath the elephant, it was fun and intense; fun because you get to splash everyone else and the elephant, intense because you get to be so close to the elephants.


We wrapped up , showered and headed back to the dinning area for a blessing ceremony before our dinner. It was like how monks blessed me back during weasel, just that it's the village elderly ones doing this here instead of the monks.

I ended the night with a hard time to sleep, with scratches and boils all over my calves the next morning. It was a good Monday, looking forward to Tuesday.


The nice thing happened today w
as meeting with the Millards. Susan the mom was really nice, and I have to say she and her husband, Bill did a bang up job raising Nathaniel into a fine young man.

Sunday, April 6, 2014

Buffetting : CM Day 1

Today has been arguably one of the craziest day in my life walking around.

I walked from the airport to my guest house, taking about 30 minutes to 45 minutes; excluding the gps navigation problems.

I walked from my guest house to the office of the camp, which was non existence in the original address on the website, hence another trip.

I walked from the non-existence office to the existence office of the camp, only to know it was closed although it was stated operating from Monday to Sunday. Anyhow, I got to know the location, and I will definitely need a songthaew for it tomorrow morning.

I walked back to the old town, trying to get the decent massage parlor. To my surprise, I found an old uncle who had great skills in traditional Thai massage to relief all my sores from all the walking around. 300 bahts was worth the price, because the ladies in the usual parlors wouldn't be able to pull of his strength. Great chat with him, though my Thai really needs more brush up.

I walked around the Sunday street market, snapped several pictures but only to realize I don't want to eat anything adventurous before my camp. It's dangerous to be adventurous, at least for now. Maybe when T is around to bring me.

I walked back to my guest house again, with several bumps into different routes because my gps decides to pull tricks on me.

I'm pretty sure I pulled off at least 20Km today by walking around aimlessly with a weirdly functioning gps in my phone. The sun burn, needless to say is crazy.


I did start off my day good though; bumping into my favorite lecturer while he is rushing off to UMK for lectures I presume; great flight with good looking flight attendants; great touchdown with little time spent on looking for the guesthouse.

The rest after that, prolly is an experience I wanted to have. Looking at Chiang Mai walking around by foot is definitely different.


On the side note, T is with the family in T's practical site. The guilt is kicking back, and I can't help to feel, neglected.

Gosh its the first day and we have yet to meet, I really shouldn't be depressed.


At any rate, this trip should be all about me, not T.

Looking forward to tomorrow's trip!

Saturday, April 5, 2014

Buffetting : It's Time

The long wait till April from last November has arrived.

In less than 10 hours I will be flying to The Rose of Northern Thailand, Chiang Mai again.

Fell in love, literally in Chiang Mai; and T the first time I when there, will it charm me all over again this trip?

Hopes,
1- Learn more about elephant management. Hopefully land some networks so my next trip or final year project might be something about the magnificent being

2- Learn more about Chiang Mai. I have one whole day in Chiang Mai before I begin my practical in ENP; I ought to have a free exploration around with the time I have. More temples to venture, more places and more pictures; solo this time

3- Learn more about myself. I wish to know more on what I really see in life. My future; in career, in relationships, in networks, in possible expatriate destinations. Do I see myself in what I see right now; in 5 years' time?

4- Learn more, definitely about T. How would T react in stuffs? Which side T would pick in the cinema? Is T more dominant or I am in this relationship? What T really likes? How T's dorm look like? Where T would go usually for everything or anything? Most importantly, is T really the One I have been looking for?

Fear,
1- The practical doesn't go as fantastic, which is highly impossible unless I got smacked down by an elephant in musth.

2- Chiang Mai got raided, which is highly impossible seeing how the government protects it as a tourist spot

3- The plane got hijacked like MH370. Paranoid much?

4- T and I do not look eye an eye in what we are sharing. Possibly my worse paranoid right now.

People have been telling me I deserve T as much as T deserves me, but I just never felt good enough to match the level T has.

Maybe I'm just not that prepared for this relationship to begin with, considering the nature and timing of its conception.

I'm not earning yet, like financial independent. It makes being with another person still, a little intimidating.

I feel like I'm not ready physically, literally. I'm not in my good form to actually be able to attract anyone, let alone T who is pretty much in the wanted list I would say for most people. T has yet to tell me the truth yet, so maybe I will bag it when I'm in the dorm

I'm not ready emotionally, for the ups and downs of this relationship; for it being my first love. I had tough time pulling the stickiness and heated-love period; while T totally just smoked off a few months after I said yes.

So it is time. For me to take another bolder step.

I found this post on "LDRs are for the psychos". It's in Mandarin, but if you are really interested and wish to have it translated; so comment XD

Well, for my first relationship, I think I'm TOO bold. Heck, it wasn't T's first relationship.


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