Buffetting : Dedication to Budding Vets and Meds out there.

I was born in a very typical Chinese family, and what ever luxury my family is able to afford today was no short a hard work and persistence, I'd rather say my mother have made for the past 2 decades I was under her wings.

To her, education was everything, and being able to score in public examinations totally make it even more reasonable for me, her eldest son to take up medicine as my life long career.

As a child I wasn't sure of what I wanted to do, and when I hopped on to secondary education, I thought medicine was the way, no thanks to Grey's Anatomy and some in born affinity for biology instead of physics. Then it came to Pre-University, after which I've realized my passion was to deal with people and events, or rather almost submerging myself into stardom by allowing everyone to know of my existence, hence I thought of Public Relations. 

Being a typical Chinese parent, my mother was hardcore against it, and I ended taking bio-science.

The drama was, I took A levels first, before I succumbed to the pressure of financial burden I cast on myself, instead of my parents. The wrong choice was to not enroll in the January program, but the March program, which was accelerated by 3 months, compressing a 18 months course to a 15 months' instead.

Being yakked by the parents of how much rm30k can afford wasn't as easy, especially for a teenager with ego and pride. My 1st semester test was so so, the grades was not as good as I thought they would be, taking down to 1A and 4Bs, the pressure was immense. From there, I took off with STPM, and my sail was a breezy one. At least I wouldn't need to deal with financial constraints because the 18 months in STPM summed up to less than rm7k inclusive of tuition and living cost. 

As dominating as my mum was, and still is, she never failed to say "I told you so" when I did well in STPM. I was stubborn when I was 18, and I made a mistake by taking A lvls. STPM was certainly a good course and I enjoyed thoroughly, much better than I thought I would.

Along STPM, I told my mum I wanted to take up pharmacy instead of medicine. I told her if she wants to see an insane son coming into the house one day, fine I will take up medicine. Then onwards she wasn't that pushy. That was when I built up affinity for chemistry and the rest was just bla bla blas. In end of STPM, I've realized how easy people can get into pharmacy and how redundant it is to take up medicine, dentistry or pharmacy with so many Tom Dick and Harry taking up these courses as well. What happened to the prestige medicine courses required before? So when I graduate I will need to associate with people like these as doctors? What if people just treat me like they are, the sub-standardized doctors? Seriously, people have been telling me how bad doctors these days can get, and the image patients see doctors is totally discard-able. Nevertheless, I couldn't draw, I hated physics and history, architect, engineer and lawyer is out of the list, I'm down with medicine. Since medicine is the only course available for me to branch out to more sub specialities, I've stuck with it. However, this never stopped me from hesitating to enroll in a med school, or taking up med as my career due to the hard work and pressure I will need to deal with behind those white gowns. Overtime, on calls for 36 hours, lifeless anatomy or physiology memorizing nights, doesn't sound that inviting or glamorous to me. I was always finding a substitute degree, and at one point I was seriously considering linguistics for example a degree in latin or german would be better because I'm so good with languages!(Or rather I like languages. I bought 5 dictionaries in the last Big Bad Wolf sales and I am full time veterinary medicine degree student. How crazy can I get?) 

Then it comes to UPU. Medicine is no cheap course. 5 yrs in private institutions sums up to rm250k the leastt and being ambitious as I was forever I only aimed on top-notched universities like IMU, Monash, NUMed and so on. Mahsa, Aimst, UTAR was out of the question. I did try my luck with the public university. with a CGPA of 3.85 in STPM, getting into a medicine program in local institutions is probably by the percentage of 0%.

However, I have no idea what jolted across my brain when I was making the application and I've put Veterinary Medicine as my 5th choice in the UPU application. I have had no intentions, no ideas nor clues that I would want to pursue a degree or career as a vet before this. It was something , totally out of the blues.

I've successfully obtained admission into IMU and Monash, and the intake is on Feb of 2012. With a long break from september to february, I'd probably cocooned at least thrice till my next intake after a 9 months' break from STPM. Henceforth, it was a deal that I enroll in UPM for vet, one semester, just to have a taste of what it is like, and hopefully the experience can make me a better doctor. Too bad things turned out to be worst. I totally loved my experience as a vet student! The events, the practicals, the prospects, the outings and the company, staying as vet would be so much more rational  than to invest another rm450k on a medicine degree, and after 5 yrs I still have to suffer for another 5 yrs before I'm a certified GP. How many GPs will there be by the time I've graduated? Tonnes.

Yet, my mom have her own agendas behind her mind. Taking up a 5 yrs mbbs does not mean I should be a good doc. I shall just take up dermatology and start a skin care enterprise instead. There are so many beauty salons doing that right now. Doing the same thing would allow me to make a fortune out of my degree, and a few more years of masters.

The best of all, my son's a doctor! Not an animal one, a human one! 

She did ask me not to disappoint her and embarrass the family by taking up vet instead of med. 

I was really unhappy about that. The thing is she is so dominant that she always render me speechless in the mini-debates I have and my rationals only kicked in after those sessions. 

As for now, people would ask me to follow what I like.

I might have some phobias in making decisions like this after what I've went through in the A lvls-STPM fiasco. It was no fun. Selecting another wrong route would just devastate me. I did think about it. I have grown, and people DO make mistakes. I might have made one, but it doesn't mean that the ones I've made subsequently are going to be wrong decisions either. My mum said she couldn't trust me anymore with my decisions because of the fiasco.

After experiencing vet, and me making a point that I'd wish to stay, my mum too said that she wouldn't trust me anymore, because the deal was to experience for 6 months, end of story, dot.

I know the speech behind about what I want and not what my parents want. I have the power to make a decision, the choices are there and I even have a backup plan ready just in case my mum totally forbids me to take vet. I can just apply for PTPTN  loan. The loan is rm35k, my 5 yrs course in rm20k, I'll just have to starve along my way throughout the 5 yrs. At least I'm doing something I'd want by my own plea, not under others'. 

I think it's because my family's wish for me to take medicine that I had this weird vibes against medicine. My reasons for not taking medicine are:

1- Overflow and loss of prestige. Being a vet is much more exclusive.I'm the only person in my school taking vet while another 50 of my friends are taking med. Hello? Competitions!

2- The hard work and time behind it. After the killer year in STPM, going through it for another 5 yrs seemed really demotivating

3- The amount spent behind it. Rm450k? Kill me. I can earn rm20k back in 8 months after I'be graduated. The income generated by vets in the future might be even more. It might be childish to look at the figures these way, but I need more to time find the economical projection of a medical officer's income for the next 50 yrs till I'm 50 yrs old to tell my family off. 

4- The passion for it has dried out. I no longer seek the excitement to be in OT. I have this empathy for all, human beings and animals alike. Since there are less people dealing with animals, why not I go for it instead?

The values my family, including my relatives have about being medical officers are they are much respected, earns more, and have the potential to earn more in the future compared to the rest. Plus, docs are much more reputable than vets. They want me to be able to generate more $$$ and live a wealthy life.

I do understand where they are seeing this from. They wouldn't want to push me to a abyss of demise. They want the best for me and I'm really appreciative of that. They came from a poor family background and they've worked really hard to be as established as they are today. Being able to see me as a doctor, the first doctor in the family is totally worth the rm450k. 

I'm just done being the burden of the family. I was okay with doctor, seriously I was. But telling them that I want to continue with vet, seemed to be really childish. It might be just because vet is something so new, I'm just being attracted to something new like how people are attracted to new toys and phones.

Buffetting: Attention please?

I've gotten feedback from coursemates of 2 different course and 2 different university, with 2 different culture.

Apparently there's one thing in common.

People from both sides have claimed that I'm a VERY noticeable "figure".

Reason being:

1) You are huge and tall and big. You are way too hard to miss.

2) You sit in the front seat, like the 1st freaking row with your legs wide opened in every lectures.

3) You answer the lecturer's question all the time

*WHAT???!!! I don't even remember half of the things I learned in Monash!*

Conclusion: You are too hard to miss and not to get all the attention.

Wait, seriously. I did not do all these to get the attention okay?

Though I do have some attention seeking trait in me, but what I was told on how I'd actually got it, totally out of my expectations.

Geez, and I was determined to lay low in Monash so I don't get attached, which I didn't, thank goodness.

Side note: Finally submitted the Monash withdrawal form! No longer a Monashian, an UPMian from now on!

So am I REALLY that of an obvious figure?

Hmm, better start beware of what I do in university these days.

Buffetting : Person to talk to

You know people tend to find other people to talk to, about just ANYTHING.

As for me, well, so far I do talk to people I know about problems, underlying problems. But that's because I just need to throw my problems out.

Other than that, everything goes back into the lil drawer in my mind.

And so somehow I became the key to other people's drawer, unknowingly.

It was just 12 weeks in Monash, and people do start telling me stories.

Practically about anything. Sometimes the topics just caught me off guard.

It ranges from girls talking about homosexuality and guys talking about how to date girls, the dad's friend has gotten HIV and the brother is in love with Chris Evans.

Some even asked me how they'd looked in their new outfit.

Some.

But then again, this was a comment I got from one of my coursemates in Monash, which I'm totally flattered:

"I find you much easier to talk to than *beep*. *Beep* sometimes just give me some weird vibes."

Wow, that's a real breathtaking compliment. I mean, being able to let someone else to lose their guard on you to tell you everything is pretty much a big thing to do. I know I don't just lay down my guard easily.

And I do welcome people to talk to me, and I've really learned to just listen and give cohesive replies to let people to talk more.

It just stroke me when one of my coursemate just PMed me and wondered where on earth did I disappear to. I didn't attend university for the past week because the mom needs lotsa help in the company.

Since I won't be continuing my studies in Monash anymore, why bother attending right? I did want to attend some pharmacology classes, but work calls.

So he actually noticed my absence. I guess I am that obvious after all.

Delusion, that part of me never changed since Taylors I guess.

I guess somehow I'm meant to take up roles as psychiatrist or psychologists by nature.

Yet, I think I will go for allowing animals to open up their hearts to the cruel cruel human population.

Buffetting : Absolute

I find myself really radical these days.

Almost everything should be absolute.

For example would be the decision of me ditching medicine for vet.

Before I reached mutual agreement with my mom, I had these extreme thoughts:

1- Complete abandonment of my familial ties
2- Complete disowning of my parents on me
3- Complete shift in lifestyle, including of self-supporting work and adult-university life.

Thanks Ms Carol for identifying that for me.

It is down right extreme I know, but then again, somehow its in my nature.

I've somewhat grew to not learn to compromise, in which most situations I could, in which I used to do.

And today, I pull out another stint to complete disattachment from my current medical student life.

1- Leaving the groups in my PBL and the 2012 Med group in FB.
2- Complete deletion of Grey's Anatomy.

 

Whoa, don't have to go that for to fix that man.

somehow Grey's seemed so trivial and shallow after I've enrolled in medicine, and after I've decided to venture into vet.

Okay Grey fans don't hate me. Loved the drama, but not the reason for me to enroll into a med school. Kids out there, think a million times before you've decided to enroll.

Do you think I'm an extremist by doing these?

Somehow I think it helps me to move on to next phases of my life, easier and faster.

No attachment.

Ooh, a stud material. Yea I think I will become one some day.

Lets hope that doesn't happen shall we?

Buffetting : End of Vet or Med

So its officially over. My struggle for the past 10 weeks have now been put to an end.

Vet or Med forever?

It ends today.

It ended on Monday technically, but I will announce May 13th 2012 as the official day of Vet OVER Med.

*Confetti Canons and Applause plus Cheers(VET VET VET!)*

It was a long fight, long struggle, and a long conflict.

Honestly if this didn't end this way, I would probably be enemies for life with my mom.

Yes she loves me a lot, spends a lot on me, gave me education, send me to facial appointments, lotsa other stuffs. But this really meant the MOST to me.

Understanding my point of view,and accepting what I really want. Geez, I hope when time comes things will change for another kind of matter, but that's for another post.


What changed her mind? Hmm, I think the Wesak spirit inspired me a lot.

Honestly when I handed over the letter on Wesak morning, the res of the day(half of it) I'd just gave it up to faith in my words. I didn't bother to think about it, I just worked my way off Wesak volunteering in SJBA, another place I seek refuge in a lot.

Until after lunch, when I finished my shift in the F&B division, and when the parents showed up and talked to my best bud's mom, Auntie Lam.

All hell broke loose when she told me my mum wasn't really keen, and was quite upset talking about me. Instantly I felt stress showering me, and the whole HEP thing kicked it. It was horrible, its like I have totally no idea what to do.

It was as if I was asked to either jump from a cliff and hope that gravity somehow fails, or gravity works and I become what I become.

I was like a totally different person from morning, and I just sat down there and holding my tears back from breaking down. Thank goodness my other best bud Monkey was there holding me on. Thanks Jia Wei, you know we fight a lot, but we somehow got too much in common to not be best buds XD You know I love you la.

Although his suggestions were, like kinda useless, but they were helpful there and then.

Till Auntie Lam introduced me to the Seafield headmistress, whom I forgot the name but I dang very well remembers your face! The talk was brief, but it was the ultimate solution.

I never wanted to get Dad involved in this, but she said,

"If anyone's to know how to deal with your mom, its your dad. He did it for the pat years, and he can do it now. I'm a woman, I know how this works."

Speaking like an American woman. She's a Buddhist by the way.

Her daughter is a working MD now in UK, struggling, but working to her specializing in 5 years time? When she is 35. Great. Good luck. My metta for you.

So the conversation ended abruptly, and I called dad instantly to have a Dad-Son talk which I NEVER had before to get things settled.

Wow, I certainly took plenty of steps, a long way to get to Vet school, I better nail this piece of mozzarella.

Going against my mom, Spending one sem in Msia's so-to-speak best Med school, Dad-Son talk.

This is like THE turning point, like I've repeated so many times, of my life.

The thing went on for a few days, from Wesak Friday to this Monday. I was literally sending Metta every single night just to get this right. Its so funny and pathetic that, I only seek refuge in the Dhamma on occasions that I'm totally lost. I guess I too take the Dhamma for granted.

It took me for like 1 hour to gather my courage and talk to my mom on Monday night. Seriously, I have not been this restless before. In interviews I know I can pull things off, easily. This was worse than any interviews I've been before.

This was more like a court case, to me.

After a 30 minutes of deliberation, mom gave in, and said,

"Do whatever you want. You are 21 soon, you decide what you become."

It was like a instant relief, and the barrier between me and Mom instantly shattered. Our conversation after the minute she said what she said was totally different, and was lightened up.

Thank you mom. I promise I will work dang hard to be the best vet around.

As for now, I'm living my last bits of med school slowly. But there's not much attachment, I can see myself pulling away from most of the entities in Monash soon. It wasn't really hard. In fact I am dying to live away from that place, considering how everything was over-rated somehow. Heck we don't even have enough lecture theaters.

Vet or Med? Veterinary Medicine please. At least I'm doing both.

PS: Happy Mother's Day to mothers out there. If your children know what they are doing, just give them your support.

Buffetting : Busy Bee 2

At least I'd actually enjoy vet school?

This week of lectures and workload is killing me! 8am tutorial tomorrow!

Gosh I so wanna quit med school now, for what ever reason it is I don't wanna be in the program!

Buffetting : Beating thyself up

I just realized the layout for blogger posting have changed, but that's so beside the point.

Another thing that I've realized is, I really have became someone really bitter,and my life is literally bitter.

Or is it just because how I perceive it?

Maybe, but how can my perception justify ALL that have happened to me?

I had a life, one that I would have given all for, one that I'd actually found my "love" for it in.

I really did. If someone were to ask me about what is love, that was what it was. To do something, working myself all out just for it. That unconditional and uncontrollable devotion I had, that was love.

And now I'm stuck with something that I resented to be in.

What's worse, I'm really lost now, stuck in the middle of nowhere, the quandary of oblivion.

What should I do next? Should I go on with medicine and just live with it?

Seriously, I can't see myself doing this. I've tried my really best(or worst) to make as minimal attachment as possible with my current life.

Less close friends.

Less positions.

Less participation in any kind of activities.

Less time spent even with my current academic circle.

I did all these just to make sure leaving is easy, and yes it is.

However, the are problems which I have discussed. It is not going to be the same anymore.

I did some contemplation, and indeed I CAN lived with this. I will have to slowly dis-attach from my current cohort, and slowly fuse into the next.

I am okay with it, plus, its not like friends gone forever, in fact they are there forever!

I will need to get used to a new environment, again. A new company, again.

It's like I'm destined to be alone because of my family.

One company after another, I have had to leave them because of some reasons my family managed to be part of.

And I just hate that. I hate the fact that I have to come to a situation which I have to hate my family.

I hate the fact that I can not see or look into my parents' eyes because of all the resentment I had.

I hate the fact that in the future I will be so resentful I wouldn't be able to be a filial child.

I hate the fact that I am not able to be close to the people I'm biologically closest to.

I hate everything right now!

Geez, bitterness.

Why am I beating myself up, so badly?

Guess I just have to submerge myself into my work to get rid of this, temporarily.

Buffetting : Do you ever feel?

Or were you ever told, that you are a good *fill in the blanks*

Do you ever feel that you are not exactly doing as *adjective* as what they'd actually said?

Or do you just feel contented on what people have told?

Sometimes its just so weird, because we are to perceptive of others' views on us.

Or at least it is for me.

I am currently assigned as the "leader" for my current group of academic associated, but we are meant to be really close friends as we are the first group of people we know upon enrollment.

It may be easy, or perhaps IS easy(yes I'm expecting some bombardment Aiden) task, but I personally find this designation challenging.

I need to get copies of notes done.
I need to attend to several different matters regarding the group
I need to coordinate dates, tasks and sometimes partners for tasks for the mates.

It seemed so trivial and little compared to what the course reps are doing, but we are different people and we have different priorities and expectations, so lets not get there.


It only clicked in my head that the group mates actually commented that I am a "good" leader, because I put on a checklist on what we need to settle.

I like things being done in a listed way. Sure give me surprises and I will deal with it, but it doesn't mean I will like it.

And being neurotic-prone as ever, I'm not sure how to react to such comments on me.

I know the typical gesture in the current course's mates, like all of them, is to just support the person no matter if he or she is actually doing it right?

Just like when I was imposingly being asked to represent my group(because I am somehow already being crowned as the brainiac) to make some explanation on the PCR and what are the controls of the genes of different length used for in gel electrophoresis.

I wasn't exactly sure, but I somehow in a way got the answer right, though it was really vague and fine line. The professor was really nice and supportive, and didn't shoot me down like she usually would during lecturers. (Thank you Prof Maude!)

And when I was walking back the other legendary smartass told me I was "awesome" in explaining.

I was like, "Yeah right!"

Paranoid or insecure?

Hmm, do you ever feel good when people tell you that you are good in something, or do you question if you were up to par?

Buffetting : Why

As blessed as my life is, the curse on my life is equally mortifying.

I paid the TDA of the vet fac a visit today, and there was no good news.

I am not eligible to proceed my following semester with my original cohort.

Meaning I will have to join my juniors, the next cohort.

Which I thought it was fine, since I'm going for the course, not just the company.

Yet, things are bound to go haywire.

Do I still kick in with the previous cohort?

Will I be as close to the next cohort compared to the ones I came in with?

How exactly am I suppose to balance the previous cohort with the next?

Apart from academics, we have plenty of co-curricular activities which requires a collective means of effort, i.e. the whole cohort of the year to perform.

These includes the Vet Dinner, Dogathon, Majlis Silaturahim, Vet sports and so on.

Do I go on with the previous or the next?

What about the traditional top-down relation?

I'm like stuck in between.

Again,I will be the odd one out.

This is getting boring. and Frequent.

The whole night alone in the car was nuts. I talked to myself literally outloud.

Why do these happen to me?

Why am I subjected to my family's matters all the time in my life choices?

Why am I restricted to this?

Why is it that a person who is able to choose all courses in the world. being restrained to one course by the family no less?

It's like the family eats into my life everyday.

And its really depressing. Every night I had problem sleeping thinking of this.

Every other moment that I'm not occupied I will be thinking of these.

There are people who wish to live my life? Please, they were born into their lives.

I wasn't, and I had the choice. It's not that I do not have a choice, its because I have to meet the family's expectation.

Family again.

People outside treasure their families, how did I manage to come into hating mine?

Why?

Gosh I swear I'm in the verge to end this shit.

I'm so mentally and physically exhausted in keeping up this.

I'm 21, and I'm already having depression.

What's next? Bipolar or split personality?

Oh even better, lose my sanity.

Why???

Buffetting : FB Friending

What takes you to click the "Approve" button on the system?

Does it take just a few chats over the air?

Or does it take a few days of interaction?

IT's weird, because I've always been in programs, 2 programs which have a large number of students in either course, close to more than 100.

And of course its impossible to know everyone.

But, it is not impossible for everyone to know you.

Especially when you are the sole person doing something something.

In my case, when I was in vet school, I was the person might be changing to med school, the person who screamed his lungs out during orientation, the person who drives to university, and possibly the person who the lecturers actually gossip over.

So, I don't know everyone who added me, but everyone who added me knows me.

This happens today again in med school. But I certainly have no idea how people knows me. Probably because I'm the only STPM taker in our course. Some even claimed that I'm "famous" for what exactly? Being one of the largest and tallest breed in the course?

Hmm, maybe.

I don't know how people know me, but I certainly don't know them yet. They just add me over FB, probably just after I said morning to them, or just a few smile streaked over the air.

I mean, if you want to add me over FB, at least talk to me first. Like a proper chat session will do.

It takes more than a few smiles and several "Good Morning" to be a friend.

A friend means more than just that. At least to the people I "see" everyday, but don't interact with.

That's why I have a whole long list of KIV friends in FB.

Until we interact enough, na ah. I'd probably considering to ignore some now too.

Plus, I'm not staying for long.

Buffetting : Determine-d?

So the counseling went really well.

The counselor was the Oh-My-Gee-DRAMA QUEEN typo and I totally can related to her easily.

Like TOTALLY.

It was fun to talk to her, and I just literally dumped everything from my head to her.

Another person now tells me again that I AM my mother's child.

Because of the similarities we have, STRONG and STUBBORN. These two come together no matter what.

And that's the cause of our sparks and explosions around.

True enough.

And that was also another person telling me to go for an alternative persuasion; letter noting.

It was still vague that whether if I'd actually go all out, regardless of the company and environment I have back in UPM for the veterinary course.

But she cleared it out. I do.

I was already "labeling" myself as a vet, seeing how I associate works related to vet as a "we".

We do more than treating dogs and cats.

We control your livestock production.

We control your outbreak of zoonautics.

We keep the wild life heritage on check.

We protect the welfare of animals.

We are everywhere, parts of your daily life.

These were the reasons why I wanted to be a vet so badly, to tell people things.

And it is unfair to say that a life of an animal is less precious than that of a human.

That is downright shallow, and inhumane. Not what I seek in life.

I wish to educate people more about animals, their rights, how precious they are, and what they really have played significantly in our lives.

Health of a human, a nutritionist can do a better job advising, a doctor probably do more of the "fixing" part, when they graduate and work fully as a practitioner.


I guess I'm quite sure?


And it's time to make a judgement, and also a prep drive.

I've and will meet the end of the bargain.

The question is, will she?

PS: Thank you so much Ms Carole Chung, you were a wonderful person to talk to when things like these come into play. A huge burden was lifted instantly.

May your god bless you, may you be well and happy always.

Buffetting : Self-Coaxing

Walking along the streets seemed to be a lil harder task these days.

Reason being, probably I'm too free to observe the people around me.

Especially when you spot potential "other-half"s.

But, I realized I have talking to myself a lot in my mind, sometimes in the car just to coax myself;

It is not the time yet to think of these feeble matters, what is important is to get myself into a career pathway which I will, and need to be satisfy and happy for the rest of myself.

And I'd realized these are all suppressing factors.

What's worse, I've just been diagnosed with high blood pressure, one which is really bad.

It happened during the blood donation drive, which my hypertension sped up my blood donation at least by 100% of the time needed by normal donors.


And the Dr was saying I will prolly need to full body check up soon just to figure out the source of the unusual high BP.

I'm only 21, and I'm facing hypertension. What more down the road as a life of a doctor, and what more when I actually do not like what I might be doing?


Collectively, I should be going after something I love in live, since I might have a shorter life span due to my health.


Oh well.

Buffetting : Emptiness

Yesterday was literally a wake up call for me, other than last friday's practical on General Anatomy.

I realized I am a very competitive person. I need to reprise my role as a studious person, at least be equipped with suffice knowledge to not be blur in most of the situations around.

I felt superior not understanding what was going on.

What's worse, I feel obligated to uphold the position as the leader of my group, as well as one of the oldest student around.

I guess I should fill the this emptiness in the campus with studious ways.

At any rate, I would need to fit into UPM with considerable amount of knowledge if I were to join them again this September.

If that ever happens.


果物屋へ買い物に行ったとき、ある男と彼氏に手をつないで町で走った。いいなあと思っただ。

Suppressing one's feelings is quite a considerable amount of effort, even more when one's lost.

Buffetting : Not Interested

I've been talking to like almost all the people around me, except for my family about this.

I have absolutely no interest in what I'm doing now!

Pharmacology aside, cause it totally rocks my world, the other part of the course is nothing but mere chores to me.

I have like a gallon worth of notes yet to be digested, and here I am blogging my way off.

Isn't this a sign that I'm not one bit aware and care of what I'm doing?

Or is it just the premature rejection I have in me?

Weird, seriously I have lost all adrenaline.

I'm keeping up with assignments and all just because I have to do it, not I want to. At least from where I see it.

All the med students in my course keeps on saying that they ain't studying well, but I'm sure they will score like shit.

As for me, I live up to my words. I am NOT studying, much.

Integrative medicine and law, here I come, at least for a while just to cover my guilt for not paying attention or care about it.

Buffetting : Right in the Middle

I was in the shower the other day, and I had these thoughts lingering in my mind.

It was about a post my friend posted on FB about my leave of absence in UPM.

I was somehow, blessed or cursed, 2 chances of experiencing, AND being enrolled in 2 different medical programs

And of course every readers know they are Veterinary Medicine, and *human* Medicine.

Recalling one of the memories I shared with my room mate in UPM, in which his first choice was also, Medicine for the local university. Yet, he got this 7th choice, veterinary medicine.

He couldn't pursue medicine due to various reasons, mostly his family background and he had to resolve to what he was being offered.

However, he did say that if he could have pursued medicine, he would have stick to it.

And there came the other friend who posted on FB. It's a she this time, and it was her life time dream to be enrolled in a vet school.

Actually, she was the reason I'd given vet school a try at the first place, because they did mention how hard it was to get into one.

She was upset when she found out I've gotten the admission into the vet program in UPM.

She wasn't offered because her CGPA wasn't suffice, but of course my roommate didn't meet the requirement for medicine program either.

So I was, and still am in the dilemma.

My roommate would have died to be in my shoes, taking the medical program, even more in the so-to-speak "best" private medicine university in the country.

My FB friend, would have died to be in my shoes, taking the vet program, in the best(cause there's UMK offering vet also) vet university in the country.

Sometimes I'd just wish I quit both schools and take up some bizarre course like linguistics or something.

Perhaps law?

Or probably just German or Korean.

Latin or French? Or Spanish?

OR I should probably make up my mind to choose either vet or med.

But one thing is for sure, I'm definitely not enjoying the last bit of my med school experience.

The company, maybe, but I'm definitely keeping a distance. Other than that, everything seemed to be like a chore to me.

I'm like a dead body loathing the corners of my university.

At least that is how I feel for now.

Buffetting : Icluded

And here I thought I wasn't suppose to form any attachment towards my current university.

Apparently I got selected as a committee member for one of the division I signed up for in the course.

Yikes, I was really trying to be one of the underlings instead of those working like hog up there.

What's worse, I've actually volunteered to take up the secretary job(hoping to be one of the future sexataries, but Pete knows when will that happen). The job is like pre-during and post event intensive. Which means I'm going to die taking this position.

Great, now I've allegedly made a connection and attachment.

Oh well, lets experience this first. We'll see how things go.

Buffetting : Conflicts

I'm not even sure if its an argument, or it was just a small disagreement.

The first so called "fight" took place finally in our group today.

Conflict happens all the time, its just how we deal with it.

Today, we were supposed to have a debate over a freakishly biased motion, and I was in the opposition team.

Well, it was lot-drawing, so everything was fair and square in terms of lots.

Yet, in terms of favorable, the whole theme was totally redundant to be debate about, because the motion is exactly what we are learning in the current course, and what we need to uphold.

But the conflict wasn't between me and my mates, cause they rocked.

It was with one of the government mates, first speaker.

I would just put O there, its much more disclosed this way.

O was determined to win the debate, though there wasn't any implication after the debate that they won.

But of course they would have won, the whole motion favored, and was extremely biased.

Anyhow, the determination was to the point that he wasn't even willing to be in the same room with us, the opposition team to discuss his points with his mates.

Apparently everyone else in his team wanted to stay with us, except for him. At least from where I see it.

I wasn't even one bit worried that our group's points would be "eaves-dropped" by their group, let alone will I do it.

But I guess O had the "typical Chinese syndrome" in O real hard, thought I wouldn't tell what race O is.

The thing is, we are a group, what we should do is just help each other out instead of turning our backs, even if its a debate.

Who knows, we might put up with a very interesting debate in-prompt-Tu if we had discussed a lil.


Oh well, conflicts in life.

PS: My group mates were really confident that I might leave the program soon, which I do intend. It's weird that people say "Don't leave" when you tell them you are leaving.

But doesn't it bogs you on how true it is?

Buffetting : Another State of Depression

I am a full-fledged attention seeker , and things aren't going well around now.

When I signed up for Monash, I knew people and lives in UPM will go on, even without my presence.

Today there were some posts over Dogathon flying through my eyes in FB.

It is the point of the year where DVMs in UPM are required to prepare for the massive event of the year.

Last year, when I was in the course, it was like a death sentence to me that if I continued I would be taking over, at least one major designation one way or another. Sadly, I left.

And now I see my friends taking over positions, and I feel helplessly left out.

This is still bearable, if I'm equally active here.

Yet, things are different.

Upon the first stay I stood in Monash, I told myself to not participate so actively, like what I thought I had told myself back in UPM; so that the Attachment factor wouldn't stick in.


So I wasn't. I let the youngsters shine.

PS: I'm like the 2nd oldest around. STPMer mar.

I didn't bother being active and loud and all

I didn't run for Course rep.

I didn't actively go know everyone in the course.

I'd just didn't want to have any attachment, which makes leaving easier.

However, there was this sign up form for the various committees in the Medicine programs' society, known as MUMeds( Monash University Meds) , and I left my name here and there, just to try things out.


A few of my friends got the email to participate.


I was checking my monash mail these few days just to see if I was sent as well.

Yea you got the answer right, a No.

I'm not sure how should I react to this. Should I just ignore, and do whatever I want? Just go to the aerobic classes in the gym, and just go through lecture notes and all shit.

I mean, I'm okay with my group mates for tutorials and all, but beyond that, should I even care?


Some how, the emptiness my head is increasing by the day, probably with excess spare time and lack of interest in what I've signed up for.


I lost sense of directions, I'm like in a lost pit now.


Sometimes, I just wish I could give a suicide attempt to just scare my parents off.

But morality bites.


I'm currently in the state of depression, great.

Buffetting : Choices

It just sparked to me how fickle minded and easily swayed I am in life.

Today we were discussing over a grammar topic of happy choices and hard choices, in our Japanese class.

We had plenty of happy choices, some included:

1) Selecting destinations for traveling

2) Selecting cars

3) Selecting lovers(wthell right?)

4) Selecting food

Stuffs like that. Some even have no problem in making much selections in their lives.

Some hard choices raised were:

1) Selecting house chores

2) Selecting names for children

3) Selecting jobs

4) Selecting dinner venues

And stuffs like that.

As for my answer, I just blurted that I'm bad in making choices, being I just can't make definite choices.

I make choices, and I look back.

Guess I'm a perfectionist in making choices.

I just wish things would be better if I could do both.

Then this reminds me of what we were discussing in Ethics class for our Medicine course.

There's 2 patients in the refuge camp. One being prime minister and has urinary tract infection, and another baby with gastrointestinal tract infection.

Who will you save the last dosage of antibiotic for?

Some said for the most important people of the country, some said a younger life.

I was asking if we could just separate the dosage, and wait for further assistance for more dosage and replenish them later.

But life is never perfect. Doing that will cause the bacteria in the body to be much more tolerant to the antibiotic.

Not good for the patient.

So seriously, I guess I suck in making choice, and I like to make sure both parties are okay.


But, life is all about harsh choices ain't it? You already have to choose over Play Station and Mandarin Language even when you were 10.


Great.

Buffetting : Gift

Sometimes we do get people telling us things like,

"I think you will become a good *fill in the blank*"

And we go like, yea thanks for the compliment.

But when people fill in those blanks for us, how many instances are there in which we'd actually really wish to be those blanks?

Upon enrollment into the medicine program, although it was just the first semester I've been receiving multiple comments from people that I will make a good doctor, well at least a human one.

Reason being : Just their vibes.

Do I really have the human doctor look?

What about my lecturer look? My group mates actually enjoy me teaching them Biochemistry over the current lecturer. So, I will be a good lecturer too, not?

And what about my affinity for animals? I'm pretty good with livestock, while during my practicals I was also given comment that I'm natural with animals. Don't I make a good veterinarian too?

Today we had a party of disabled guests in our tutorial on sociology of medicine, and we had:

1- Christopher who'd attained a disorder which I forgotten, but it caused him his mental ability, and some extend his movement ability.

2- William who'd got the William's syndrome, where the elasticity of some of the body's tissue is impaired, costing his respiratory and speaking abilities, and he is very susceptible to flu.

3- Wai Kit who had autism, and he wasn't aware of his surrounding, but still able to provide an adequate intensity of communication with people. However, he wasn't good enough in delivering, and it cost his job opportunity as sales assistant in Giant.

4- Ms Pathma, who lost her leg during her university days in 1975, due to an accident in the campus with a bus. For a person who is 57, she certainly looked no more than 40. She stays young at heart, to stay young outside. Heck she goes to pubs in her wheelchair!

5- Mr Faruq, who got his movement impaired when he was infected by a bacteria/virus during his research days in 2010, where his myeline sheath of the neurons were degenerated by the infection, resulting him with a lesser ability to move.

I had the most interaction with Ms Pathma and William. Ms P was nice enough and full of energy to talk about her experiences, to cope with life and even getting a special car and all. She also did tell me to go for what I want instead of my parents' because I will live the life, not them. Well, I'd keep that in view for now.

William on another hand made me thinking. For a 24, he certainly acted more like a 16, when he still calls his mother Mommy. For a person who was labeled as DISABLED, he didn't look any different from any 16 yrs old out there.

Except he had some problems pronouncing words, due to the muscle elasticity problems. William is also extra social active, due to his chromosomal disorder at Xmosome 7. He tends to be much more interactive, at point to the extreme; in another words an opposite of autism.

He enjoys waving to people, telling people his name, and also HUGGING people.

I was one of his favorite hugging targets in the hall today. He literally hugged me all the chance he have.

Probably because I have excess adipose tissue. Which made me wonder if I should keep them or shed them.


Shed them, I will still be huggable after on if I'm already huggable now.

OR because I am a natural? Hmm.... Should I continue with medicine then since I'm good with people? What about animals?

One funny thing happened was; William massaged me on back when I was chatting with Ms P, and he uttered;

"You're fat ar"

I was like, haha wtheck? And I just said YEA, probably that made me so huggable to you right? XD

Meeting these people, interacting with 2 of them and being someone who people find comfort in, isn't this what I had always wanted to be?

So isn't medicine a profession which allow me to do so?

But, I get closer to nature, AND solitary if I picked up veterinary medicine. That's something which I also wish to venture, before I get old and unable to move around.

Can't I be as comforting as being a human doctor, as a veterinarian?


Should we embrace our gifts, and venture into something we might not be good at but we love doing it?