Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Buffetting : Back to Square One

I had my dreams.

I had my goals.

I made promises.

And now, I am back to square one.

Seriously, I have no idea how to put these into words. It is not like I have not been working hard because I know I did.

I worked ten time harder than I used to be.

All the school work, home work, tuition work, none was left out along the way.

I gave it all.

But it turns out that what I have done ain't good enough.

SAT 1 turned out to be an utter disaster..

And SAT2, I was hoping to have done a little bit more better, at least a little bit more closer to the target I have set.

So now, I am back to my original clean state.

Which way now?

Gosh I'm so confused now!!!!

I am just so lost. There is no guidance, no light, no way out.

It has always been me and myself only, without anyone there.

It is my fault to not open up to anyone at all but, it's just not me to do that.

I'm tired....

I'm tired of telling myself its only another few more days, or weeks or months or years till the next climax comes.

I'm tired of being asked around to do stuffs because I'm the eldest boy.

I'm tired of keeping the expectations of all the people around me...

But I can never stop myself.

Why? Is my life there only for everyone else but me? Just to satisfy others?

Somehow, the idea of me not being able to be myself strikes me all the time.

I don't know.... I'm just lost. Nowhere out....

Whats next?


There we go again, another marathon of studies...

But first, March exam..

Alright, full charge ahead!

Zany Zephyr

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Buffetting : The Next Storm

Finally, the day has come in which my best pal in high school left Malaysia to the lands of kangeys and koalas to further his studies.

I wanted to break down but my conscious told me not to, as the others were having a hard time letting go and another person's break down might just cause havoc.

Anyway, not gonna post about the process because its pointless.

Lets talk about what's after this.

Honestly speaking, this leaving friend of mine has always been there for me.

We were the closest(I guess...)

More appropriate words would be, he was the closest to me, in which I can consolidate everything to him without the consequences of him telling others about our conversations.

And we have been really understanding to each others' needs and space, up till last year when I had a sudden crash in my C-drive when everything went haywire till the extend that has put our friendship at stake.

I was being insensible, yes it was me.

Yet, I still do treasure every moment and experience we had shared through 6 long years, which I'm certain that it will bring us very far.

Will miss your brilliant smile a lot.

So, uptill now, this post is dedicated for you, my friend. Have fun with smogs and kangeys over there.


Next up, the storm.

I have no idea how well I can blend in with the absence of this good friend of mine.

Normally, I wouldn't attend to any outing without the prior notice of the attendance of this good friend.

And now that he has gone to the overseas, I think I will have a hard time to decide whether to go for the next outing.

I'm not trying to accuse anyone or degrade anyone here. I'm just trying to analyze how things are working around now.

The girls, Yuet and Yi Lin are just always supportive and sensitive. Guess the 5 years of friendship didn't just go waste. We are practically a family, in which we really had the same mindset and ways of looking life and matters.

I had issues with Peng Han earlier the road of our friendship. But throughout the journey, he turned out to be much more bold and sensitive. I can discuss about matters which are really matured with him in a very comfortable ways now, and he is just amazing in ways he deal with his surroundings.

Even with mood swings at particular times and also the unexpected hormonal changes in Yi Xian, he is a person who can really think for the others, and pick up stuffs real quick and solve the problem on the spot, talk about doctor material. We do share the same point of views at times, and being around him is real comfortable.

Okay, you might say I'm over reacting and all, back-stabbing, crapping or whatever shit you might think of, but this is just a piece of my mind.

There are stages in our lives, when we might find another person who we can share almost everything together. It is something to be happy about, but to me it ain't exactly something to be bragged or boasted.

Fine you may have your sweet moments and cuddling but hey, Sai Cheong, you are not capable of prioritizing. You can't even set aside one day to spend with a person you called friend, when you have been seeing that very special person to you everyday.

I mean, isn't a little overwhelmed?

I didn't say its wrong to spend time with your partner, in fact that is the point you got together at the first place. But look, you seriously need a crash course in sorting our your responsibilities and priorities in life. I salutes Peng Han in his ability to cope with matters like this, and I'm very disappointed with your inabilities to think logically, when you are already 19.

You didn't contribute to anything in the shades' blog, you never mentioned anything and you shouldn't have much problem with cash. And yet, you dare suggested us to go somewhere near, which you could have done it by spending just 5 minutes to message any one of us or post something the cbox in the blog away from the time you cuddle or study, and also limiting the budget for the dinner?

I have no idea what the hell is going in your mind.

They just love in blind, but this relationship you are having is going to drive you to somewhere you will not like it, if you continue to succumb blindly to your emotions.

You can have your life apart from friends, but as a friend who really cared, I'd suggest you start reflecting on what you have done to this circle of friends ever since you got your partner, from introduction and to mingling. I'm telling you, you are going to have a hard time if you continue your stuck up mindset.

Back to the others, the trio, Iman, Arief and Shaung are like the cool people who really keep up the COOLNESS motto of our group, and they never let me down. There are times which they might not be able to turn up for stuffs, but they always make their effort to turn up and cover for their loss. Well Iman, you are always there kay?

As for our Porn Queen Jia wei, you need to see things more clearly and get the big picture instead of narrowing down and leaping into conclusions without thinking of all the sweeping statements you have made. One more important thing, remember the things that you have learnt as a head prefect and do not let them go to waste. Those are the essence which will bring you far and seriously, I do envy you to be able to hold on to that position, whereby you have had a bunch of trustable sidekicks around for that one year. I had to go through the hard way, with the result of me having the conception of bitterness in my life. Do not state the problem, give solutions. You are an engineer-to-be, start learning that so your future employers do not reject you upon interviews. Apart from that, just be who you are because that's what has made us comfortable with you around.
Unevitable group shot

Well, I can say that I barely know myself. I'm more like the type to let-others-judge first and re-counter type. And SAT result is out tomorrow.

Readers, wish me luck. If possible, I might be heading to UK with flying colours.

Zany Zephyr

Friday, February 5, 2010

Buffetting: Excitement

Its another 5 more days till i receive my SAT subject test score via email.

This is so thrilling! I have not experienced this kind of excitement since, I don't know... the last time I had a crush on X??

Anyway, Monash or Nottingham?

If I choose Not, I get to fly to UK for the last 2 clinical years, which is quite fun, considering I had been dying to live to Japan before, UK seemed more realistic.

If I take Monash, I will still be the driver around, whereby I wouldn't have much free time, and I am still staying in Malaysia.

I guess most of the guys would love to step out of the house and experience independence, as they most probably end up as the breadwinner of the house in the far future.

And I guess I am one of them, cancel the breadwinner part.

I think I have the thirst for freedom , away from my family's tangles.

Anyway, 2010 is truly an anticipating year.

With all my comrades leaving for their future, I wonder if our dream can really be fulfilled in the far future.

What dream?

That's for me to know and for you readers to find out~

Did I mention about my japanese girl friend?

No she is not exactly what you think , she have a boyfriend in Kanagawa with her now.

She finally replied after 2 months of lost-in-contact. It's so amazing that we are so far apart, yet we can still connect to each other.

The best part is, we were raised in both completely different backgrounds, and yet we still can communicate with each other!

Language gap is one thing, but having the same channel isn't that common.Well, I truly treasure this friendship.

Well, thats all about excitement. May we meet again in the next post, and hopefully its much instant this time.

Zany Zephyr