Friday, January 27, 2012

Buffetting : Depressed

It comes to a stage of my life again for me to get depressed.

CNY 2012 is not really going well for me.

All the last minute fiasco;

the last minute renovation
the last minute cleanup
the last minute catering services
the last minute course selection
the last minute this and that

Apparently 3 consecutive midnight movies weren't enough to tone me down.

It's like everynight its sleepless night thinking about how am I suppose to choose between how I wish my life would be, and how my family wish my life would be.

I was told to give Monash a try, just a sem.

But I am not willing to give up the opportunities laid for me in UPM.

There are so many doors, waiting for me to just open them up and do great things back there.

Not to mention those cute lil calves and does waiting for me to see them.

And my course mates.

Any my dorm bed.

If I were to take a sem off in UPM, so many would change.

One questioned if I were able to continue with vet with a different company.

I couldn't say YES immediately, because it was THEM who were with me all the way! A change of company means a change of a whole lots more.

I am not willing to give this up.

But then again, this questions my affinity towards the COURSE, or just the people.

Monash is pretty well-known for their snobbish and spoiled prince and princesses.

And I'm not really sure if I am able to associate, or wish to associate with them.

Even if I have to, I don't feel like it.

Being in a public university taught me how to be appreciative, and how people had really worked so hard to get into their courses.

It wasn't only by sheer luck, there are sweats and tears behind them too.

Compared to those in private universities, I found people in public ones are much more down to earth. Well at least for the time being.

So its depression period again. Vet or Med. Life or what not.

Why am I subdued to all these all the time?

It sucks to even have the power to choose.

I need someone to hypnotize me.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Buffetting : CNY Craze

I would say I have the weirdest and most obnoxious mom ever.

It's like EVERYONE told her its going to be a rush and tight schedule around with the renovation, furniture and all shits with CNY around the corner,


Stubborn. I guess I know where I got that from.


The CNY 2012 doesn't feel like one, and I did look forward to it, ONE BIT.

The screwed up family.
The messed up education.
The fucked up ideologies.

All of it.

Now my lineage means nothing to me, as if I'm immune to the fact that family matters anymore.

As heartless as I've sounded, I just do not have the breath to keep on to this anymore.

Time to face the facts.

Buddha: Just travel alone if you have to. It's better off without friends rather to have foolish friends.

And I take friends as families too.

Screw this shit.

Happy CNY, well I'll be if I ever fix this messed up scenario.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Buffetting : Relief, or Not?

Well, today marked my last exam paper in my 1st semester, and hopefully not Final semester now in UPM.

Nothing much, every I've studied pretty much came out just like that, and some or what not.

However, something spectacular happened.

Rmb my lecturer who is funny? She is good, and seriously she is. And before our animal Agriculture paper ended today, while they make final counts for the number of script to prevent loss counts, she mentioned that it have came to HER attention that someone is leaving the course,

Which is Me.

If I do not succeed in persuading my mom.

She mentioned on how engineers, architects and even medical officers might go jobless at economy crisis or riots, and vets will survive.

Because every nation still needs to eat, regardless if there's an economy crisis or not.

Livestock need to continue to breed and slaughtered for feed, even if there's vegetarian.

So, continue.

She met me personally after class, telling me how she have created a niche for us vets to do well in Malaysia.

And she told me if I want to do something badly, ask nicely.

And I guess that's what I will need to do for now.

Talk and ask nicely.

Well, wish me luck and hopefully I'm a full fledged veterinarian in the future.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Buffetting : Regrets

I'd found this on Facebook today, and I've found it much enlightening, and something which hits me directly to what I'm facing right now.

For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives. People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality.

I learnt never to underestimate someone’s capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them.

When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
This was the most common regret of all. When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.

It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.

2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.
This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.

By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never
became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a

We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.

It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical
details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end.
That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again. When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.

Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.

I do not want to live all 5 experiences up there. Time to make a decision.

Friday, January 6, 2012

Buffetting : New Year

Goodness I took like 1 week to freaking post on this thanks to exam.

With Biochemistry, TITAS and ethnic relationships down the course, 5 more subjects to go.

Vet or Med, still the question. However, since its finals, lets leave that to after finals.

Back to new year, though the family says I should stay, I'd figure I will enjoy more with my friends than a gang of badminton enthusiasts. They are nice people alright, but I'd prefer my own company whom I can blend well with.

The whole day was pretty much unplanned, cause it was study week, and exam was in a few days' time, and since the gang enjoyed "going-with-the-flow", we'd decided to just stick to random decisions.

However, dinner was planned. Polar bear decided that we should just hit to Chop and Steak( Chicken/lamb/Chops and Steaks, pretty uncreative though) around Beryl's factory in Serdang since the food there seemed okay, and price is affordable too.

I wanted to try out something new, and the name Chicken Golden-Blue sounded okay.

But when I found out later that the name's supposed to be Cordon Bleu instead. No ham around it, minimal and poorly distributed cheese filling, well I guess I was expected too much.

However, their fish and chip is a die for. And cheap too!

We spent the whole night talking about everything during the dinner.

How absurd vet students can get when it comes to food.

How we can argue we want lamb chop instead of mutton chop, as lamb is defined as meat from sheep of age less than a year.

How we can argue if the sirloin steak is the sirloin part of a cattle's carcass.

How a vet faculty can open up a high quality steakhouse with our knowledge.

How we might get banned from the steak house thanks to our nuisance.

How many possible pairs among DVM1s.

And how life would change for me if I were to continue with vet, or if I were to take up med.

After math

I do wish to still be part of this family. However, I did once consider if I stayed because of the company or the course? Or both? Never mind, lets leave that to post-finals headache.

Later on, we've decided to drop down Alamanda in Putrajaya for a round of BASKIN ROBBINS~

Since its 31st with 31%, adding on the pressure we have had from finals and raging hormones, off we hit to the lands of Wantans.
Polar and Gummi bear!

After pondering of about 15 minutes, we've decided to go with 1/2 gallon, as there' 7 of us. And it was absolutely heavenly! As childish as I sound, I prefer Baskin Robbins over Haagen Dazz any day. Maybe because of BR's taste of HG's texture. Oh the Rum Berry days~

Vets being vets and us being us, we did all sorts of nonsense with everything we have.

Pictures, mixology with ice cream, screaming at each other, the night was totally indescribable. So let the pictures talk then:

Self portrait with the 1/2 gallon, plus Sister beside me

Snap snap~

Mint won the champion favorite, then mango slush, raspberry cheese and Choc Fudge

Apparently, my attention seeking inclination exist everywhere, even in vast public.

Remember those dry ice given by BR when you bought in bulk? I was so overwhelmed when I got my hands on it(Jakun being jakun), I've decided to dump it into Gummi bear's bottle.

Of course it seemed beautiful, like the effects used in TV. However, my smarts failed me when I closed the lid of the bottle, causing an influx of pressure, hence the bursting of the cap.

The whole food court was staring at us and I was like "Damn!" Thank goodness security didn't come since it was a Wantan land.

The night didn't end here, when we've decided to ditch the jammed Putrajaya and spent our Eve's night on top of the balcony of Medical Faculty beside our college.

Enjoying the night view in FPSK was truly a great experience. We used to watch those students in Japanese drama running up to the top floor watching the whole world from the veranda.

Now we get to see almost ALL of UPM, including all of Kuala Lumpur.

Twin towers and KL tower was clearly seen.

When the clock stroke 12, we managed to see 5 simultaneous Fireworks from several different corners. That sight, was amazing.

Beats watching fireworks from Sunway Pyramid. At least we have no psycho crowded spraying random white foams over us.

What's to end a day without a good shot?

The new year began with a bunch of my close friends. Some curtains were closed, some remained opened and some are still in the middle.

Resolution of new year seemed be hard, as I'm still quite uncertain of my future career decision, even till now. Medicine seemed to be still something I wish to do, but with the current issues it might not be a good career. Veterinary science may not be as prestigious as medicine, but it can surely bring me real far, to places where I wished I can be.

As for now, here's the temporary list:

1- Get fit! Goes the flabs! 2012 is serious work out year! Target waist length= 32-3!
2- Get phone! The phone is failing me, if I ever get to go Japan, then its a totally different story.
3- Get going! Go to more places! Travel if possible, physically and spiritually. More retreats!
4- Get jazzy! Pick up sax after 6 months of buying it! No more excuses!
5- Get cash! Get a tuition or some income generator to pay for my luxurious needs including gym membership and sax classes!
6- Get nerdy! No more last minute studies but consistent works!
7- Get N1! Hopefully I pass my JLPT N2, and my N1 can proceed by December
8- Get involved! May not start a strong relationship, but try to know as more so I would be prepared when it comes

And the main one, Get serious. Seriously, decide soon. It anyone would be suffering its me because I can't decide.

All and all, Auf Wiedelsehn!