I just realized the layout for blogger posting have changed, but that's so beside the point.
Another thing that I've realized is, I really have became someone really bitter,and my life is literally bitter.
Or is it just because how I perceive it?
Maybe, but how can my perception justify ALL that have happened to me?
I had a life, one that I would have given all for, one that I'd actually found my "love" for it in.
I really did. If someone were to ask me about what is love, that was what it was. To do something, working myself all out just for it. That unconditional and uncontrollable devotion I had, that was love.
And now I'm stuck with something that I resented to be in.
What's worse, I'm really lost now, stuck in the middle of nowhere, the quandary of oblivion.
What should I do next? Should I go on with medicine and just live with it?
Seriously, I can't see myself doing this. I've tried my really best(or worst) to make as minimal attachment as possible with my current life.
Less close friends.
Less participation in any kind of activities.
Less time spent even with my current academic circle.
I did all these just to make sure leaving is easy, and yes it is.
However, the are problems which I have discussed. It is not going to be the same anymore.
I did some contemplation, and indeed I CAN lived with this. I will have to slowly dis-attach from my current cohort, and slowly fuse into the next.
I am okay with it, plus, its not like friends gone forever, in fact they are there forever!
I will need to get used to a new environment, again. A new company, again.
It's like I'm destined to be alone because of my family.
And I just hate that. I hate the fact that I have to come to a situation which I have to hate my family.
I hate the fact that I can not see or look into my parents' eyes because of all the resentment I had.
I hate the fact that in the future I will be so resentful I wouldn't be able to be a filial child.
I hate the fact that I am not able to be close to the people I'm biologically closest to.
I hate everything right now!
Why am I beating myself up, so badly?
Guess I just have to submerge myself into my work to get rid of this, temporarily.