Sunday, April 22, 2012

Buffetting : Beating thyself up

I just realized the layout for blogger posting have changed, but that's so beside the point.

Another thing that I've realized is, I really have became someone really bitter,and my life is literally bitter.

Or is it just because how I perceive it?

Maybe, but how can my perception justify ALL that have happened to me?

I had a life, one that I would have given all for, one that I'd actually found my "love" for it in.

I really did. If someone were to ask me about what is love, that was what it was. To do something, working myself all out just for it. That unconditional and uncontrollable devotion I had, that was love.

And now I'm stuck with something that I resented to be in.

What's worse, I'm really lost now, stuck in the middle of nowhere, the quandary of oblivion.

What should I do next? Should I go on with medicine and just live with it?

Seriously, I can't see myself doing this. I've tried my really best(or worst) to make as minimal attachment as possible with my current life.

Less close friends.

Less positions.

Less participation in any kind of activities.

Less time spent even with my current academic circle.

I did all these just to make sure leaving is easy, and yes it is.

However, the are problems which I have discussed. It is not going to be the same anymore.

I did some contemplation, and indeed I CAN lived with this. I will have to slowly dis-attach from my current cohort, and slowly fuse into the next.

I am okay with it, plus, its not like friends gone forever, in fact they are there forever!

I will need to get used to a new environment, again. A new company, again.

It's like I'm destined to be alone because of my family.
One company after another, I have had to leave them because of some reasons my family managed to be part of.

And I just hate that. I hate the fact that I have to come to a situation which I have to hate my family.

I hate the fact that I can not see or look into my parents' eyes because of all the resentment I had.

I hate the fact that in the future I will be so resentful I wouldn't be able to be a filial child.

I hate the fact that I am not able to be close to the people I'm biologically closest to.

I hate everything right now!

Geez, bitterness.

Why am I beating myself up, so badly?

Guess I just have to submerge myself into my work to get rid of this, temporarily.


  1. Let's go have desserts to cure this bitterness temporarily! (:

    1. Hmm, im kinda bored with Subang's desserts, anywhere else? Preferably with some rum or sorts.

    2. as long as you're driving, i don't mind! XD

    3. oh, when u actually have a car.

    4. i like being driven around okay!

    5. ooo~ like literally or metaphorically XD

    6. literally yeah, i'm not too sure about the metaphor. complicated things like double negatives confuse mee!!

    7. haha i never knew your brain gets into overdrive THAT easily! oh well, just teasing!

    8. now you know why he calls me blondie

  2. It's difficult to love something that we resent >_<

    Things will work out well for u someday, somehow..just have to keep trying and moving on *huggggggggssssssssssssssss* =D

    1. yea.. i just don't understand why i need to do this.

      someday, i wonder when. will the day ever become before the end? I don't have much time tho.

      Thanks, i will expect a hug in the flesh we meet ar XD

    2. be careful of what u wish for...i might not let u go xD hahahahaha

    3. pffft, you will be the one begging for mercy ok

  3. As they say, self-awareness is the first step to self-improvement!

    I think maybe you need to come to terms with the life you wanted and the life that you have- and accept that sometimes things don't work out as how you want them to.

    And don't forget that you can always turn to people who do care about you :)

  4. I don't know how to make a change from here though..

    I just don't like the fact that I'm not in full control of my life, its like im being manipulated and strung like a marionette, and it is depressing. I have a choice, but i can't make the move. It's something I really hate, and totally defies my belief because we can take things into our hands, whether or not we can subjected to conditions however, is another case.

    well, i've not much idea who to turn to, because sometimes i really feel bad making people feel helpless about my issues. but talking to them to relief lotsa depression, at that state.

  5. Yeah! I realised the layout change too.
    Gotta need some time to familiarize with the new thing >.<

    Hmm, I guess it is good that you have released everything out here.
    Made you feel better, didn't it?

    Sometimes life's suck, but I always tell myself there's a reason behind every happening.
    You might only realise it maybe tomorrow, next week, next month, next year, or even 10 years from now.

    I guess I've crapped too much but well, cheer up!!!

    1. yea, i was like,where the hell is view my blog??!!! haha quite a drag.

      felt so much better, but by the end of my post my problems are still there.

      reason behind it, hmm... i don't know, this seemed like sucking to the max and it might just eat my 5 years way alive, by the time i graduate im a living zombie T.T

      no you didn't! every comment matters and im so glad you'd actually dropped by!(finally~) I'll do best in cheering up!

    2. Haha, what's up with the word in the kurungan har?! XD

      I'm usually an ahli blogger lelap.
      Only once in a blue moon I leave my footsteps :P

    3. coz its like FINALLY!!!!! ahhahahahahah XD

      lelap siot, i almost think i saw tetap. Leave more footsteps la..

      but with your schedule, I can understand. I'm free now because I don't spend time with my academics now anyway XD Sem bazir konon