Sunday, April 17, 2011

Buffetting : Of Os, Bs, and ABs zen 7

I cried as hard as I could. I could feel the stare Binn had on me, and I do not blame his helplessness. I clenched my fists so hard that I swear the manicure I did last 2 days went down the drain. "Suane, I.." Binn didn't continue with his sentences. My sobs and whimpers echoed in the room, slowing down as Binn looked onto the floor. I took a deep breath, choked a little due to the cry and recompose myself. I was hoping that he would hold my hands, and tell me everything will be alright. I was hoping that he would lend his shoulders, and comfort me till next morning comes. I was hoping, real hard.

Yet, Binn stood up abruptly, took out his phone, and blurted "Wait here,",followed by a shuffle towards the door. The door clicked as I leaned onto the bed. As the vivid memories of Sein pounded on me behind the dark allies of Kindori, tears rolled down my cheeks. I felt dirty, I felt disgusted and I felt intruded. How could I have not protected my first time for my husband, even more to a rape incident! What will my husband think of me next time? If Sein can rape me, he could have raped or slept with multiple partners before this! What if STDs come into the picture? What will become of my health?

My heart pumped faster and more furiously as those worries emerged. Without me knowing, my body dragged itself into the bathroom. As the thoughts slowly fading away in my head, a gush of hot piped water blasted over my head. I looked up and stared at the figure in the mirror. Weak, fragile, souled out. The steam filled up the room, and the reflection fogged out. I've got to clean myself. I need to clean myself. Without further due, I reached out to the shampoo dispenser and thrust the button with all my might. The oozing continued, until the door banged open, with Binn hurried into the room. My legs got tired, and slowly I slid down to the floor with walls as my lever. Whimpers started, again.

"Suane, please Suane..." Binn mumbled softly. He always had this gentleness in his words, and always during critical times. It was like yesterday that the first day Binn came up to me with his genuine care like no other. The October when we had our trials for the government exam, the scores were literally down the void. What accompanied me behind the old gymnasium block was the scent of sweat stains, buzzing of bees from the apiary and the hot green tea milk Binn made. The block was where we first met, where we shared most secrets and where we hid whenever there's a spot check. Who would want to be near any bees anyway? It was like the end of the world, and the naivety I had back then, that examinations were everything still hits me every time I thought of it. Binn had all the chance to take advantage over me when I was at my weakest, yet till today he held back. The stream of water slowly stopped as the tap screeched a little. The puddles of water splashed and the warmth of a towel covered me."Come on, get your butt up." What is with the perkiness anyway? His strong grip forcefully got me on my feet, and he walked me to the basin. "I never knew you had fetish for extensive usage of shampoo. I thought all accountants are extremely calculative."

I'm not in the mood, you digg. Shuffling out from the bathroom, my hands slipped off Binn's due to the uncleaned shampoo. A sigh filled the silence while I sat on the patient's bed. Binn tapped over and squatted in front me, wiped the liquid off my hands with the towel he got off my head. "What do you want to eat? Chinese? Western? Greece?" and the perkiness never ended. He continued to ask multiple questions as he dried my hair, without any of the questions close to "How are you doing?". Before the coldness of the water on my hair went off, I stood up, and uttered,"Get out, now." He laid the towel on my hands, stood up smiled and turned around. The door cracked and I sounded,"Why don't you ever ask me how am I doing?"


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