Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Trust No One

One simple word of friday and saturday... a person successfully make me to trust no one ANYMORE... I am really sick and tired of giving my best to every friendship existed in my life. The outsiders... I still remember my very essay's conclusion... "Instead of waiting for a good friend to appear... why not be the good friend?" I have done it... for the oass 3 years since form 3... after i wrote that very essay, i remember damn well what i have written on the very book... the words are engraved deep in m heart. Yet.. today, i really want to leave the darn statement behind my life.. No more... that is it.. I had enough hurts and stand ups i have been getting since the very day i made that statement....

I have done my best... HONESTLY!!!! What have i done to deserve all of these???? Behind my backs... Under my nose... I had enough! I am just an ulucky jerko who have no one to understand the little bit pf my own feelings... all i did for all these years had been... for my friends.. for my parents.. for my teachers.. for anyone else but myself!!! I just couldn't be more selfish can I???

This goes back to the high school days... when i was a prefect... So.. in my school the whole form 4 will be aiming for the highest position in the prefects' organization.. The top 6. Yes.. it might be over but the scars are carved deep in my soul. The top 6 .. I was once announced in the body.. 5 chinese and one half chinese, quarter malay and quarter indian. I was sure i was going to make it in the top 6. Yet... Because of Malaysia's nativeship, and the school's so-called quota.. 2 more prefects were introduced into the top 6, forming the top 8. I was shocked.. yet i accpeted it.. Because i was sure i WILL make it. But I never realised how realistic it was in a malay school, (or so called KEBANGSAAN school) and I was kicked out of the top 6, making me the Discipline Officer, the next highest power after the top 6.

Top 6 holds MOST of the power in the organization, and they cover my jobscope, while i don't cover theirs. They can see my files, but i can't see theirs. They can know all my job inner informations, while i can't know theirs. I was once in there.. holding all the powers. I was once the ohe who knows everything. I was one of them. After that.. I was no one... I could know nothing. They are doing stuffs behind me, in their superior room while i need to sit outside and wait. Do you know how that feel???? How it felt??? You were once there but now you are not? It was DEVASTATING!!! From that moment onwards... I know i can't trust anyone.. Since no one trusted me. I tried... I gave others, once , my trust and they just dump it into nothingness. My best friend, was also in the top6. After i was kicked out, i know there will a gap. Now.. The gap is even wider than i though it would be. I will trust no one now.

Today, i got stood up. I trusted them . I wanted to join them > I was thinking there was a light there. Now, Im only in sole darkness. I accept the fact now. The fact that now, this very moment, i am alone. There is no one to share my feelings with. There is no one who could and will understand me. No one.. I'm just an unlucky jerko....

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