Saturday, December 14, 2013

Buffetting : Stepping apart

Holly that better not happen anytime soon between T and Me.

It boiled down into my head when I attended "How Christmas Works?" organized by the IK from the university invited by my Bimbo and Rocky. There were intro of Christmas, sharing of people who approached Christianity, and also caroling, ya know the usual stuffs.

The sharing session was the one which got me thinking the whole night.

The lady speaking was once a miserable kid.
Doesn't speak to the parents, bad relationships with them, depressed all the time, and locked away.
At the verge of giving up life, she met Christianity on the Christmas Eve.
Miracle happened to her when the God "spoke" to her via the bible, with 3 pages she flipped to by random.
Well, that happens.

Let's not talk about how the page got there, but about her change after she approached Christianity.
She got happier, start to speak with the parents, her family more after.
She is no longer oppressed, and is more open and receptive to her social circle.

What bothered me was, I too, developed my spiritual side in Buddhism. But somehow, I feel like I'm so much more drifted from my family. I mean, isn't spiritual guidance supposed to be make us more, closer and tolerant towards the people we care? For me I have been experiencing immense degree of resentment and anger towards my family.

After being through STPM and cultivating my wisdom in practicing Buddhism back then, I feel like I'm no longer as tolerable or "obedient" to my family. I learn to say no, close to rebel when my family put me through episodes I wish not.

The vet-med fiasco was the last straw. I totally shut my doors away from my family.

It's pointless for them to know what I do, what I care, or what I dream of. At least for my mother.

I do not want to tell them, or feel like telling them anything I go through.

My experience directing the largest dog gathering in Malaysia. My mom even asked me "Got so many people meh? What's the point?"
I'm really willing to explain to complete strangers, but to my mom; forget it. I know her too well to know that she wouldn't care.

My experience in the farm practicals. "Yer I can't stand" Not like I can stand working for you in the company like sis did. Can't come into terms in our daily lives, can't imagine one whole day in the office.

My experiences and courses going through in vet school.

My first relationship.

Basically my life. It's like I'm just living off my parents' money right now, and I can't wait to get off the hook. Yes they are family and I really do get it. But right now, after all I have been through, I'm just very much resentful to open up to them. They have really done so much which made me overly shut from them; as family.

Talking so, there are people that I feel like I am totally trying to step away from.

I don't know the reason. This is ridiculous. I know the reasons usually when I step away from a crowd. But now, I totally have no idea. There is no reason to it.

Talking to Ice Queen last night made me realized how angry I am inside towards my family. Those rage, makes me a really miserable person, a bad child.

I'm trying so hard to run away from them, and spending their earnings doing this is just not right.

I guess its the finals' stress? Maybe I should go for a movie after the anatomy practical test next week.

Semester coming to an end means closer to Chinese New Year. Oh gosh, I'm just so not prepared for this right now. I somehow feel like staying in my campus more than going back home emotionally. Going back home, is now just to meet my bed, and my dogs. Miserable.


  1. I hope things work out for you soon. May not seem like it now.. but 'family' is the one that will always be behind you. Good luck for that anatomy test!

    1. I guess so? It's just lately the family is everything against me, or at least how I felt. Yea definitely need luck! this test is freakin hard!

    2. You may feel like you despise your family right now as they don't believe in what you believe in- my father experienced the same thing and is now separated from his family- however, he regrets it everyday.
      Your mom may not see what you see- the joy of being a vet but it's true that it's near impossible to change the viewpoint of a person after they have passed a certain age.
      But the fact that she is so against it proves that she loves you enough to not want you to do what she considers a 'job she can't stand'.
      You may not be able to make her like 'Vet' for now, but as long as she still loves you, it doesn't matter one bit. After all, you are still becoming a vet and achieving your dreams, right? :)
      What more could one ask for: A dream come true and a family who loves them.

      Also, friends who love them ;)

    3. Sometimes I just wish I can put my past behind me, and live on-- BUT, the repercussions and effects haunt me. Every day knowing that I couldn't join my previous batch in class for the very fact hurts me. Everyday anticipating the day that I will no longer be part of their lives significantly just kills me inside; and I can't forgive just yet.

      Maybe when all these doesn't matter, then I could move on.

      A family who loves? I don't know. I grew up in my later stages of life as an angry child. My elder sis could pull the filial elder child; but I somehow can't just yet.

      I'm not wise or matured enough? Who knows.

      BTW: Thanks for reading! Would love to know you in person though!

    4. What, what WHY? It's not easy without hints!

  2. Everybody is different. Perhaps you love them in a different way. Oh well, everybody is just surviving!

    1. I wonder, I feel like I don't love them as a family anymore. I treat friends better than I treat them. This is bad, I know it, but I can't help it at all. It's like a vortex or mixer inside sucking me in.