Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Buffetting : Prior Commencement

I can't believe the day is coming, though its like strings still attached because of the tutoring duties I have with my younger sis. And Dang I forgot 31st was a public holiday and my sis will still be loaming free at home, and I shouldn't have been back to the residential college.

But hey, I'd figure its probably high time to spend some time for myself.

So the university will commence the classes by the 10th, and I'm supposed be back on the 9th to pack up and all, but thanks to the screwed-up system I'm still a roomless student.

Anyway, prolly a stupid glitch, hopefully everything goes well after I pay the fees.

I've no idea when did I portray the disliking of the family.

Fine I do yell and throw tantrums when things don't go as I planned them to, and occasionally state that the whole family stinks.

I dislike the fact that I have to live THEIR lives, literally.

On the clock drivers duty is like the forever issue.

Heck it have been THE issue.

I lived my whole 20 years old life in 2011 sending the 2 younger siblings DILIGENTLY I would add to attend all their tuition, activities, schools and what not.

Even my friend said that I'm too tied down, because I  have to constantly remind myself what day today is, and who to fetch, what time where, and who's next. I think I was close to lifeless.

And that was when I was LIFELESS.

Now that I have a life, can't I live mine? Like seriously, I need to complain. I have a life to live too you know?

I probably could have speculated how my parents' responds would be:

"It's another year then your younger brother will have his license. Can't you just HELP OUT?"

If I don't live my life now, when shall I? And when till I have a family and I need to fetch kids in and out again then I shall get a life? No, that's not how things are done, not to me at the very least, not after what I've done.

 And so does making all these claims make me a person who dislikes his family?


I don't know, I tried calming down, meditating, trying to be more focused on the issue than the emotions.

But it comes down to the same conclusion, why should I be bothered?

First off, no one else in the family was bothered to pick up the job, and they only decide to pick someone else because either they feel like it, or because they are around the corner, or else, I have to make the move from home.

2nd of all, it is not my problem at the first place! I only needed 3 trips to tuition back in 2008. I'd figure my younger brother who is in his 5th form could to the same without me getting beaten up because I wasn't responsible enough, or because I was too scary and being a bitch. Why shall I endure problems, he should have been undergo training like I did? Because times are different now? Because I needed to be trained?

Please, this is so the proof of favoring right? I was always been the "to-be-complained" anyway.

Last of all, no one really cares about my welfare anyway. I'm assumed to have time, to have this and that, to be available because of all the shit the whole family put me through at the first place!

GEEZ Now I start to feel like I dislike them! Really, am I that of a narrow-minded prick?

Gosh I'm at the verge of hating myself now.

Seriously, why do I have these thoughts all the time? It's like a whine arse whines and whines over the same issue forever.

Screw this shit. I don't know. It's like a rat race. I don't know. I probably shouldn't be bothered or anything. Having family members have its perks, but as of now, with my current mental state, they are more of a burden, a strain, and a freaking reasons for me to run away from the premise.

Have I talked to them before? Geez, after all those screaming and yelling, you still don't get me?

I wonder how things are going to be when the younger siblings get their licenses. If I were to ask them a favor in the future, will they be showing me faces like I do now?

Wait, I put my life on hold for a freaking year. If I managed to get them to put a year on hold for me, fine, yell at me.

Until then, I really need to get a life. It's another 2 more weeks and I'm out of this pile of shit! And by my first semester break comes, I can tell those siblings to screw themselves because they'd probably finish all their tuition classes because PMR ended and SPM have started.

I'm sure I've made myself a douchebag with this post, but screw it.


  1. well, u tried, and it will end soon

    1. don't know lah.. i just need to get away from the house and i am fine.

  2. I feel you...

    But things will change... they always do... better or worse...


    1. oh I wish. Sometimes I just to get away from the house, and when I'm back I'm fine again, just like this weekend.

  3. *hug hug*

    Soon. In a week time, u gonna have ur life back..for few months. Take an internship anywhere during semester break, then u wont have to go back at all.

    1. Haha exactly, and its hectic maximal for the whole semester also. As for internship, I have a few places in my mind now, but they are all long enough to take myself away from home at least when the siblings are busy. Plus, the next sem break is next january, I'll be damned if the bro doesn't get his license by then.