Friday, August 3, 2012

Buffeting : Do you ever feel?

Do you ever feel, that it's as if you have no one in the world around you?

Somehow today I felt that once again. And feeling that, all the negative thoughts and passed scars come screaming into the head.

It was over the 21st birthday again.

"There's only one 21st for everyone"--- Dad

"Yea, and I don't understand why mine is going to turned out as a screwed up one."

"It's so weird that you actually have no friends in mind to invite! I thought you had the MOST friends"- Mom

Not until I've decided to retract.

Not until my family have to tie me down every single time.

Not until I'm being subjected to someone else something.

Not until I've learned to become bitter.

 If the best bud were to be here, just him and Monkey will do good. Not more than that. Of course I would love to have Queen and Bunny around, but Monkey and Queen have issues, so yea.

It's not like I don't have any friends at all, its just that I don't have any who cares or connect anymore. It's just different after all these while.

I had Jess the husband, and gosh it have been far too long since I spoke to her. It's weird that our relationship status turned out to be marital, when we clearly are siblings. Maybe its time to ring her up for her 21st too.

But right now, I have no one I'd actually can talk this to about. The best bud is busy, its kinda selfish to bother him with something as trivial as this, of course this is because of the self-centeredness in me making the whole thing seemed big. So its unfair to him in this sense.

Do you ever feel that the year is just not your year?

When I was in my even digit years, they were disastrous.

2008, I had never felt so betrayed and so alone for the first time in my life. It was as if living through hell everyday knowing there's something someone can't tell you because they just can't. No one was around to support, everyone was telling this that you do is just wrong, and staying put was, a miracle to keep it to the end.

2010, I had the worst academic drills ever. Not that I didn't enjoy the glory and outcome behind those work, but taking SAT, STPM, EJU, JLPT, MEXT examination in the same year was different. I was on alert mood towards the dawn of STPM, with the buzzing cousin sleeping beside me and the family not being able to understand the immense pressure I was dealing with the load back then was horrendous. I got myself high BP, Overweight, Bad Temper and Neurotics in my ledgers, and what they do is worsen by the year. I can barely remember me being in such a authoritative and sub-zero back in 2008.

2012, I had the worst roller coaster ride of my life. Now. I had to go on cold war and revolution mode to actually make life changing decisions. Was blamed hard by the mom because of my stubbornness and guts to 'rebel', the other siblings are doing the same as well. I was in my worst sub-zero condition in my life, every single thing pisses me off. My snipes kill people, and I'm now known as the temper over tempus under my roof, even the mother is subject to this. I have no idea how I got so dejected with the family. It's as if everything they ask me to do became an exploit on me. I know I shouldn't be feeling like this but shouldn't I? As of I'm back from UPM I'm on full time drivers duty, again without fail. Every single empty slots will be filled with younger siblings' tuition slots, and I'm subjected to their pick ups thro and fro. When questioned the elder sis, the only answer is " You should do. I don't care." So the question now is, Why should I? I don't get credit, I get screwed up every single time someone else decides to feel like fetching and I make an extra trip, the siblings just made it as "its your job" to fetch them without actually reminding me that I need to. I don't understand how a "favor" turns out to be the "exploit". The mom was talking with the aunt the other day about asking a favor to pick up the aunt's children if she turns out to be in admitted in the hospital, and the aunt was saying its fine if I sit the session out.

I was expected the answer to be "even the aunt can see it" Look. For the aunt. it is a favor, it sticks until she gets out of the hospital. For mine, its not a favor, its a freaking ROUTINE. One which actually costs MINE, and every single time I have something they have to ask why the routine still exists. It's as if I live for the family.

I really have no idea how the whole family actually see this problem. It's always the same words, "they are your siblings just try to be nice."

I've been NICE since the dawn I get my license. That's 3 years already, I became competent because of all the driver duties, thank you or screw you?

People die to go back home to the family.

I die to get out of the freaking premise away from the family.

Is it because of me being too selfish? Please tell me because I'm dying everyday living through this crap. I'm dying to get into the university away from all these. I'm dying to just freaking leave.

Yenyl asked me to observe. As for now I really am observing my pathetic life living everyone else' but mine.

How come a plan to decide for a 21st birthday always ends up telling myself what a fucked up wreck I am?


  1. This is really hard and I don't have a specific answer for u since only the one who really went through it can really understand it.

    From what I see, it seems like they are taking u for granted when u are doing it out of courtesy, not an obligation to u...and no, u are not selfish for wishing to be far normal sane human will be able to keep his compose if he is in ur position...

    just.....*hugs* I pray that ur life will get better somehow and u will begin ur 21st cheerfully =) God bless u

    1. oh well. sometimes the parents and siblings put in me into position as if I'm supposed to do all those. For return, for something I don't know or see.

      begin? Hopefully the week after the 21st will be better.. hopefully.

    2. Stay strong all the time

      yeah, by the time u celebrate ur 21st, it won't be that long anymore before u return to UPM where ur heart is =)

    3. i don't know man, one storm comes after another hurricane. its as if the roller coaster ride is about to begin again.

  2. dude. forget about a big party. just have 2 that u know will love u most. that's a party. happy birthday. ;)

    1. yea, but they aren't exactly around know though. the big party, actually I don't even feel like planning it. 2012 has been a very tough 8 months. But its the 21st, and its family custom to throw one. so yea.

  3. Sometimes we overthink things :) Time to just relax, let go of any such thoughts and live it day by day.

    1. yea, i over think ALOT.

      guess i should just let loose at times. the new books from the presents pile should do the trick. oh wait, i have like a gazillion chapters of sherlock holmes to be done.