Buffetting : Rant

Probably one of those days when my hormonal levels fluctuate like the roller coaster in Dreamland, Gold Coast.

I'm doing my dream course now so people out there who sees this probably ask me to shut the fuck up if I'd ranted, but I still do want to.

It's not easy to be clamped between 2 different academic years. It's like you have to assume split personalities, and its like going after scheduled trains to keep up relationships between 2 very distinct, very LARGE group of people.

I told myself to keep fun with the previous batch and academics in the new batch, and it worked pretty much. But scars do remain. It's not easy to see people doing things differently than you are, when its like double dose when I take up positions in so many different extra curricular activities, not to mention the pursuit of my Japanese proficiency outside of the university curriculum hours. Doing that reduces the amount of time I get to spend with the fun-batch, but I'm still tied up.

It's really weird. I'm always being tied up. How did it come to the level that I can't untie myself? Or the very fact is that I chose to tie myself up in the first place? Or its the fact that my subconscious tied it all up.

The ex-housemates told me to prepare to get over it, while the Co-director told me to just let it be, and just don't try too hard in fitting in.

I am trying, seriously. But I just can't help it. As cold and steady as I might look, I don't exactly give in when it comes to relationships. Heck, I'm a freaking Leo.

It's like a constant struggle, and I can still never let go the fact that my mom took this away from me. She have given me so much, but she has also equally taken away so much from me. It's like a love-hate relationship. If you'd ask me do I love her, I won't be able to swiftly give an answer because I have to think before I do so. It's like, I can't say it because all the things she gave just balances out with the things the took away. Rationally a mother gives away so much than what she takes, but taking those away in really high times just balance everything out within a snap.

I don't know. I've been so busy with every other stuffs, and all these just come in when a song in the playlist plays.Each song in the playlist meant a period, and something to me, that's the reason I put them into the list in the first place. The song resonates the events took place in that period, and my feelings when they were first known to me.

Things have became what they become, and I'm really in the midst of losing myself soon. I just don't know how to deal with the upcoming academic schedule, and what the time differences will do to me and these 2 batches.

Maybe I'm just the person not belonging in either place. Somehow my life has been programmed to be so. And I'm pretty tired in continuing with this fight. Maybe I should just stay robot.