Buffetting : Back to Square One

I had my dreams.

I had my goals.

I made promises.

And now, I am back to square one.

Seriously, I have no idea how to put these into words. It is not like I have not been working hard because I know I did.

I worked ten time harder than I used to be.

All the school work, home work, tuition work, none was left out along the way.

I gave it all.

But it turns out that what I have done ain't good enough.

SAT 1 turned out to be an utter disaster..

And SAT2, I was hoping to have done a little bit more better, at least a little bit more closer to the target I have set.


So now, I am back to my original clean state.


Which way now?


Gosh I'm so confused now!!!!


I am just so lost. There is no guidance, no light, no way out.


It has always been me and myself only, without anyone there.



It is my fault to not open up to anyone at all but, it's just not me to do that.


I'm tired....


I'm tired of telling myself its only another few more days, or weeks or months or years till the next climax comes.


I'm tired of being asked around to do stuffs because I'm the eldest boy.

I'm tired of keeping the expectations of all the people around me...



But I can never stop myself.


Why? Is my life there only for everyone else but me? Just to satisfy others?


Somehow, the idea of me not being able to be myself strikes me all the time.



I don't know.... I'm just lost. Nowhere out....




Whats next?


MEXT....


There we go again, another marathon of studies...

But first, March exam..


Alright, full charge ahead!


Zany Zephyr

Buffetting : The Next Storm

Finally, the day has come in which my best pal in high school left Malaysia to the lands of kangeys and koalas to further his studies.

I wanted to break down but my conscious told me not to, as the others were having a hard time letting go and another person's break down might just cause havoc.

Anyway, not gonna post about the process because its pointless.

Lets talk about what's after this.

Honestly speaking, this leaving friend of mine has always been there for me.

We were the closest(I guess...)

More appropriate words would be, he was the closest to me, in which I can consolidate everything to him without the consequences of him telling others about our conversations.

And we have been really understanding to each others' needs and space, up till last year when I had a sudden crash in my C-drive when everything went haywire till the extend that has put our friendship at stake.


I was being insensible, yes it was me.


Yet, I still do treasure every moment and experience we had shared through 6 long years, which I'm certain that it will bring us very far.

Will miss your brilliant smile a lot.

So, uptill now, this post is dedicated for you, my friend. Have fun with smogs and kangeys over there.

____________________________________________________________________

Next up, the storm.



I have no idea how well I can blend in with the absence of this good friend of mine.


Normally, I wouldn't attend to any outing without the prior notice of the attendance of this good friend.


And now that he has gone to the overseas, I think I will have a hard time to decide whether to go for the next outing.


I'm not trying to accuse anyone or degrade anyone here. I'm just trying to analyze how things are working around now.


The girls, Yuet and Yi Lin are just always supportive and sensitive. Guess the 5 years of friendship didn't just go waste. We are practically a family, in which we really had the same mindset and ways of looking life and matters.


I had issues with Peng Han earlier the road of our friendship. But throughout the journey, he turned out to be much more bold and sensitive. I can discuss about matters which are really matured with him in a very comfortable ways now, and he is just amazing in ways he deal with his surroundings.

Even with mood swings at particular times and also the unexpected hormonal changes in Yi Xian, he is a person who can really think for the others, and pick up stuffs real quick and solve the problem on the spot, talk about doctor material. We do share the same point of views at times, and being around him is real comfortable.


Okay, you might say I'm over reacting and all, back-stabbing, crapping or whatever shit you might think of, but this is just a piece of my mind.


There are stages in our lives, when we might find another person who we can share almost everything together. It is something to be happy about, but to me it ain't exactly something to be bragged or boasted.


Fine you may have your sweet moments and cuddling but hey, Sai Cheong, you are not capable of prioritizing. You can't even set aside one day to spend with a person you called friend, when you have been seeing that very special person to you everyday.

I mean, isn't a little overwhelmed?


I didn't say its wrong to spend time with your partner, in fact that is the point you got together at the first place. But look, you seriously need a crash course in sorting our your responsibilities and priorities in life. I salutes Peng Han in his ability to cope with matters like this, and I'm very disappointed with your inabilities to think logically, when you are already 19.


You didn't contribute to anything in the shades' blog, you never mentioned anything and you shouldn't have much problem with cash. And yet, you dare suggested us to go somewhere near, which you could have done it by spending just 5 minutes to message any one of us or post something the cbox in the blog away from the time you cuddle or study, and also limiting the budget for the dinner?


I have no idea what the hell is going in your mind.


They just love in blind, but this relationship you are having is going to drive you to somewhere you will not like it, if you continue to succumb blindly to your emotions.

You can have your life apart from friends, but as a friend who really cared, I'd suggest you start reflecting on what you have done to this circle of friends ever since you got your partner, from introduction and to mingling. I'm telling you, you are going to have a hard time if you continue your stuck up mindset.



Back to the others, the trio, Iman, Arief and Shaung are like the cool people who really keep up the COOLNESS motto of our group, and they never let me down. There are times which they might not be able to turn up for stuffs, but they always make their effort to turn up and cover for their loss. Well Iman, you are always there kay?


As for our Porn Queen Jia wei, you need to see things more clearly and get the big picture instead of narrowing down and leaping into conclusions without thinking of all the sweeping statements you have made. One more important thing, remember the things that you have learnt as a head prefect and do not let them go to waste. Those are the essence which will bring you far and seriously, I do envy you to be able to hold on to that position, whereby you have had a bunch of trustable sidekicks around for that one year. I had to go through the hard way, with the result of me having the conception of bitterness in my life. Do not state the problem, give solutions. You are an engineer-to-be, start learning that so your future employers do not reject you upon interviews. Apart from that, just be who you are because that's what has made us comfortable with you around.
Unevitable group shot

Well, I can say that I barely know myself. I'm more like the type to let-others-judge first and re-counter type. And SAT result is out tomorrow.


Readers, wish me luck. If possible, I might be heading to UK with flying colours.


Zany Zephyr

Buffetting: Excitement

Its another 5 more days till i receive my SAT subject test score via email.

This is so thrilling! I have not experienced this kind of excitement since, I don't know... the last time I had a crush on X??

Anyway, Monash or Nottingham?

If I choose Not, I get to fly to UK for the last 2 clinical years, which is quite fun, considering I had been dying to live to Japan before, UK seemed more realistic.

If I take Monash, I will still be the driver around, whereby I wouldn't have much free time, and I am still staying in Malaysia.


I guess most of the guys would love to step out of the house and experience independence, as they most probably end up as the breadwinner of the house in the far future.


And I guess I am one of them, cancel the breadwinner part.


I think I have the thirst for freedom , away from my family's tangles.


Anyway, 2010 is truly an anticipating year.

With all my comrades leaving for their future, I wonder if our dream can really be fulfilled in the far future.

What dream?

That's for me to know and for you readers to find out~


Did I mention about my japanese girl friend?

No she is not exactly what you think , she have a boyfriend in Kanagawa with her now.

She finally replied after 2 months of lost-in-contact. It's so amazing that we are so far apart, yet we can still connect to each other.

The best part is, we were raised in both completely different backgrounds, and yet we still can communicate with each other!

Language gap is one thing, but having the same channel isn't that common.Well, I truly treasure this friendship.

Well, thats all about excitement. May we meet again in the next post, and hopefully its much instant this time.


Zany Zephyr

Buffetting : Time management

So today we had topic on stress during MUET class, if you readers have no idea on what's that, its "Malaysia University English Test", and only Malaysian and some Singapore university actually accepts it.. See how terrible Malaysian english standard is?

Anyway, so what causes stress?

For me, the primary cause would be really poor time management, seeing that I now procrastinate to even lay some words in this 9/10 dead blog.

And guess what?

A bit old school but a time table really helps a lot in making myself more disciplined in working stuffs out.

Guess what Puan Dorris said really tapped into my own.

Owh, if you are wondering who is Puan Dorris, she is my current MUET teacher, and she really rock our whole Form 6 bottom out.

She is one of the most unbiased teacher, and she never failed to give a great advice for every problem we had ever confined with her. Well, some may disagree with me, but even my ex-buddhist society teacher wasn't as sensible and good as Puan Dorris.

An extra, I finally got my official KOPERASI acknowledgement badge!


woohoo~~~ if any of the international readers have no idea what is koperasi, its like a society which students can join to help the school to sell stuffs like school badges, t-shirts or track-bottoms, but the society do not share any of its profit with the school. As a matter of fact, students who invest on the koperasi society actually are rewarded 10% of the original amount invested.

My current school has a really good koperasi system, where the students get to learn how to earn money and learn some hospitality values, plus they actually sell biscuits and drinks, unlike my previous school.

I got to know quite a few good friends only from koperasi, and they are really great people! Overall I actually had fun working as a member, with all the benefits and experiences obtained by joining this society.

Well, guess this is enough for my school experience for the day. Time to get my brother.

Zany Zephyr

Buffetting : Time

Alrighty first post of 2010, gosh that took me freaking long.. thanks to long hours of studies and also long hours of work as the house cosmic car driver...


Anyway, new year have started, and I guess the school is trying their best to give us our benefits as Pre-U Students.


Honestly speaking, they are trying real hard, but the outcome seemed so vague.

Inefficient to be precise.

They expect us to complete tasks in short time, as if we have nothing else to do, which by fact we have plenty, because we are freaking STPMers...



Well, I'm not putting much hopes in anything the school is doing now.

What I really hope is, I can cope up with my studies without any stupid excuse or extra workload, since I have official dropped physics last month, Chemistry and Biology will rule my path, which I am superbly fine with it.


Out class teacher for 2009 got promoted to be the first Pre-U Administrator in SMKSS17, it a good news for her but I do wonder if the pay even goes up.(I doubt it though)

And our class got the ex-Maths teacher as the mentor.


Talk about new, she is actually quite flexible and supportive of our ideas, other than the outrageous ones(trying get ourselves a clan called "U.V.D")


Imagine you in a secondary classroom, with laptops on, a coffee corner by the window, and free Readers' Digest.


You wouldn't believe you are studying in a secondary school.


Well, its still in the pondering stage, all execution starts after the teacher in charge turn on the green light.



School life is still dull, but I'm looking forward to the knowledge I am able to gain over the 11 coming months, and being able to nail the "HARDEST EXAM" in Malaysia.



Finally, I can resume my Japanese class as an Advance class student in ICLS!!!!


It's weird that oral test is not included, because I score perfectly in every test before this.(yea I don't depend on theory much though)

And geez, I was acknowledged as the "Best, Fastest Speaker" in our class.

Guess talking to myself even during showers had paid off.


Over all, 2010 is one year which is going to be very short, for all the students who is taking STPM with me.

No time for more games, only studies.


I will still blog once in a while so chillax..


So, this is it then. Smellyalater~


Zany Zephyr

Buffetting : Times

It was until last week that I thought I couldn't be anymore closer with my friends.

True enough I had my issues, and being the hard-headed and fun-killer one in our gang, I practically stormed everyone with my constant "PMSes"-Teenage boy version throughout the whole trip.

I have no idea what the hell is wrong with me.


It's like I don't know how to have fun, or rather to have fun with my friends.


Maybe I have actually accepted the fact that, I'm not designed, or destined to have real good friends beside me to have fun.



I can swear, I barely talked to anyone about anything individually, nor speak about our problems and issue.


Most of the time in the trip, I would just sit alone by the passenger's sit, end of the boat, end of the cable car and just, enjoy the trip as if I know none of my friends at all.



Well, I did join the bed talk, sea-talk(derive from bed, just we do it in the sea, pretty cool huh?),water polo and other funny activities we've created out the blues.


Yet, I still can feel the loneliness in one corner of my heart, as we went there in 9, its only natural for a person to be left out without a partner.


Well guess what, I am the one most of the time.


Maybe I should just leave the group, since we had 11 originally, and 10 would have turned out to be an even number, and well, its better for the whole group instead.


What am I talking about, it's as if I'm writing a memoir instead of telling how fun Langkawi was.


Sorry readers, I think I have issues , big time issues.


You are here to know, read and share them with me, and here I thank you.



Nevertheless, Langkawi is truly a paradise, for retirees to relax, for youngsters to explore, for working groups to splurge(on chocs and liquor) and even for kids to just swim in the ocean of swimming pool.


I had fun, seriously. It's just that I had the fun most of the time, ALONE.


Fine I promise I'll blog about Langkawi in details for next 3 posts... though I haven't update constant lately

Zany Zephyr

Buffetting : Life Principles

Can't believe I had to reach for the dictionary to check up on the word principle of my post title.

Yet, the point of the post is about what you believe in your life.

Another barbecue party was held and once again, I'm the handy man who needs to start the fire, get the pits, charcoals, food and the yanky-dadees for everyone.

Credits given to my dad who woke up early to stroll me around the market in ss15 for the raw food.

And there we go, the plan was well executed until the whole gang of us forgotten about SKEWERS when we were heading to my ex-tuition teacher's place.

I did halt my sis to make a simple U-turn to get those stuffs.

"Mr Lee has all the utensils so just go ahead okay?"

Fine, you are the driver and the eldest around so supposingly you are the wisest around.


Once we reached there, TADAAA

No skewers, no thongs, everyone was done MANUAL.


Imagine BBQing a chicken without any skewers and your only equipment around was a pathetic, well fine FEW pathetic pairs of WOODEN chopsticks.


I controlled my temper and went on because it was suppose to be FUN.


Until one point when I was told my wooden chopstick is burning.

I just ignore and told them, just dispose them by the end of the day then.

And my cousin teased me by telling I have to get rid of 2 pairs since I was using 2 different chopsticks as a pair.


I just returned lightly saying, well the process isn't important what matters is the outcome.


then my sister snapped and bombarded by telling she doesn't like what I said and my attitude.


HELLO?! If you haven't noticed, I was the one starting the fire and cooking non-stop for you guys okay? And fine I didn't complain about this, because I'm a GUY.


So I snapped back by saying I don't really have a choice.

First , we have no equipments.

2nd , I'm the only one doing MOSt of the work, not all.

And 3rd, I hate unorganized events.

Then she was like,

"why do you have to make sucha big deal out of it? we are enjoying anyway?!"

Correction~

you enjoyed, I was simply pissed off.

you might be enjoying your stuffs but I have my principles.

I like plans to go by the book, not off the chart.

Even if it had gone off the chart, i'll fix it my way.

Accept it or screw it, you digg?

And don't give me the pep talk and long lectures if you have no SOLUTIONS.



And I stormed into the house.



Fine, I might seemed stubborn in this sense but honestly, I'm done being the puppets of others.

I'm an adult I have my thoughts.


Chopsticks, yes it might be a mistake to burn them off like that.

But I know the gravity of the matter.

I'm not that stupid.

Plus, mr lee gave me the permission to burn them off the pits so, HOLLER.



Come to think of it, she actually banged me or not marinating the chickens earlier on.

Honestly speaking, I'm not STUPID.

I would have give the maid a hand if I knew she would be busy but she wasn't!

The whole house is going to be empty for the whole day without us being in the house and she didn't have to cook lunch or dinner, so how busy can she be?


Marinating takes max one hours, and she have 7 hours without anyone bothering her the whole day to clean up the house.


So tell me, do I need to give a hand, when I have done marinating with her twice this holiday?

She is the kitchen expert not me, so logically speaking, there wouldn't be any point arguing over if I need or not to help my maid out with the marinating.


That is how stubborn the women in my family can be.


anyways, I'm certain I did the right thing, because everything turned out well in the end.


Let them hate me or what ever, because by the end of the day, the experience I've gained is much more precious.



PS: Watched Storm Warriors 2. Trust me, invest one the first movies instead... better plot, though the recent one have impressive VFX, but it doesn't mean anything.


Have to bail no2 for another day of recapping with old mates.


Thanks for tuning in.

Zany Zephyr

Buffetting : Time to move on

I guess I'm one particular person who tends to stuck in the old times, and never willing to step out of it.

Seeing how people around had moved on, I couldn't stop thinking,

"why can't I do the same thing? am I that stubborn?"


At some point, I do see myself changing over the years.

Yet, some how I've became more and more cynical , most events that occurred lately.


Why did these happen?

I am not sure.

The Gradual effect is there and, it's just so hard to capture the feelings in words.


I'm somehow more evasive, to the point that I am not willing to share anything over the air or net.

Hiding this blog by changing the address again and again proves everything.

I think, I'm more comfortable being alone.


It is good to have companions, yet it is not a necessity, well at least not in my life-dictionary.


I've screened through facebook today and I've just noticed these two person's recent life:

I'm a stalker? no they were once people who I'd wished I'd made them together, yet the same time wishing they weren't going to make it. The picture above shows J, my old "husband"

And the picture below shows X(the guy aka my ex-boy friend)


A bit weird for a guy to have these kind of relationship huh?


Well, I'm no ordinary guy then.


I had a crush on the boy, seriously I mean for a max of 3 years full.

From the day I've realised, I never wanted to miss the chance to see him everyday and even if I had missed it, I sulked about it whole night long.

This has also haunted my nights when I was having my SPM(malaysia's high school exam), and I couldn't understand my own feelings.

Was it a real crush? Or it was just pure admiration?

I had dreams over him and sometimes, HER.

J, right she appeared in my life when I was in form 4, the peak of my high school life.

My emotions and physical pressure were at the extreme in that period of time.

I liked her?

A lot people thought I did, and at one point I've almost hypnotised myself to fall in love with her.

I'm not sure how and what her thought was, and I never wanted to ask because I'm afraid of being hurt(knowing where I'm standing and my qualities), and last of all I knew the answer would be a NO.

So I've just continued being her closest male friend(literally) where she was able to tell me all her thoughts about him,her or it.


And it came to the day when she discussed about HIM.

I can tell you, my emotion was stirring with absolute blur.

I couldn't differentiate my wishes or curses.


My friends though I was having a dilemma in siding for friend or for love, but honestly , I never wanted to tell anyone because it's just so outrageous knowing someone so close to you yet you didn't know he could had such high tendencies of being homosexual.


And well, I kept quiet, and let everything flows.


During that time, she being SHE, didn't want to start of a relationship and everything didn't work out.


It was a relief, yet a disappointment because I was literally the middle person.


It was a blessing yet a curse, being their catalyst, double-edged sword so to speak.



And today, I've finally got to tell myself, it is time for me to go on, to find myself.


Someone, no matter she or he, as long as we can talk, we are on.


I've come to terms that my primary goal is to work hard for my life, my future.

Love, is something useful, yet not necessary.

Call me cynical, try walking my life.


What about me?

I'm still me~


Promise you guys will further frequent my post.

Zany Zephyr

Buffetting : Companion

Finally got myself down to start working on this post... Well, sorry for neglecting you blog!!!!

*My maid just flunked a plastic bag to attract my attention, then tell me she wants to head back to Indon... wtf???!!!*

Anyway, working on today's issue, COMPANION.

there plenty types of companion:

A) As fun mates

These guys are the ones who will call you out for tea, dinner or parties(sometimes to clubs) and as the names said FUN.

B) As study mates

They go everywhere with you, with one extra item, BOOK. They talk about Le Chatelier's Principle, vectors, Centrepidal Forces or what ever you are able to relate to academia, wherever you go. I've seen people of such, it might be fun in the beginning, in the end it turns out to be REAL pain in the ass.

C) As talk mates

One phone call and you will need to listen to their problems. I personally have no problem with that, because I DO enjoy listening to their problems, secrets or any grudges they have against anyone, including me.

D) As play mates

These are those who calls you out to the motel and have a one night stand. Never had any friends of this kind, not going to have one either. But they do exist.

E) As soul mates

Walking down the aisle, you will put the ring into his or her finger and there you go, happily ever after.

Well, I guess I'm going to brag to the E-prone topic.

You see, lately everyone, I mean EVERYONE is into the "lovey-dovey" hype, when a gir/.boy friend is a must in their lives.

Remember Jess and Sein from Of Os, Bs and ABs I written last year? If you had noticed they are derived form actual people.

Jess would be Jessica Tee, and Sein,would be Sai Cheong.













Well, this column is to hide the post above form my brother~~

I DID mentioned I moved on without SC. and true enough, I did.

He got himself a girlfriend now and , it wasn't a surprise at all, its just that there are still stuffs stirring inside me which makes me dislike his girlfriend in the first sight.

I don't know if its me or its the "rivalry" thing.

But something else happened, I disliked Sc as well at the same time.

Well, old cliche but, if (爱得越深，恨得更深）you love that deep, you hate that deep.

Uncertainty is surely stirring in my head.



I've talked lesser to him than ever compared to everyone, I am sure.

I've distanced myself away from him, to make sure I forget him in one way.

I must say it worked.


I am much more matured now, compared to the "love-dove" pressure I had back in form 2.

It is pointless to get involved now, and get tied down.

It is much more free, to be able to have all the time for yourself, and concentrate on whats much more important , like Chemistry and Biology~

And I know what I want.

What I want isn't available now yet.

What I want comes only I get the answer.

When am I getting the answer, I don't know.

But one thing I know is, I need to work hard for my bright future in the corporate world.

I need to know more, and yes, once again my thirst for knowledge is BACK.


Zany Zephyr

Buffetting : New skin

Well, I've got myself a new skin and for previous readers, you can the posts are back!!!

For new readers, if you wanna know me more, hit the arhives!

Zany Zephyr