Seeing how people around had moved on, I couldn't stop thinking,
"why can't I do the same thing? am I that stubborn?"
At some point, I do see myself changing over the years.
Yet, some how I've became more and more cynical , most events that occurred lately.
Why did these happen?
I am not sure.
The Gradual effect is there and, it's just so hard to capture the feelings in words.
I'm somehow more evasive, to the point that I am not willing to share anything over the air or net.
Hiding this blog by changing the address again and again proves everything.
I think, I'm more comfortable being alone.
It is good to have companions, yet it is not a necessity, well at least not in my life-dictionary.
I've screened through facebook today and I've just noticed these two person's recent life:
I'm a stalker? no they were once people who I'd wished I'd made them together, yet the same time wishing they weren't going to make it. The picture above shows J, my old "husband"
And the picture below shows X(the guy aka my ex-boy friend)
A bit weird for a guy to have these kind of relationship huh?
Well, I'm no ordinary guy then.
I had a crush on the boy, seriously I mean for a max of 3 years full.
From the day I've realised, I never wanted to miss the chance to see him everyday and even if I had missed it, I sulked about it whole night long.
This has also haunted my nights when I was having my SPM(malaysia's high school exam), and I couldn't understand my own feelings.
Was it a real crush? Or it was just pure admiration?
I had dreams over him and sometimes, HER.
J, right she appeared in my life when I was in form 4, the peak of my high school life.
My emotions and physical pressure were at the extreme in that period of time.
I liked her?
A lot people thought I did, and at one point I've almost hypnotised myself to fall in love with her.
I'm not sure how and what her thought was, and I never wanted to ask because I'm afraid of being hurt(knowing where I'm standing and my qualities), and last of all I knew the answer would be a NO.
So I've just continued being her closest male friend(literally) where she was able to tell me all her thoughts about him,her or it.
And it came to the day when she discussed about HIM.
I can tell you, my emotion was stirring with absolute blur.
I couldn't differentiate my wishes or curses.
My friends though I was having a dilemma in siding for friend or for love, but honestly , I never wanted to tell anyone because it's just so outrageous knowing someone so close to you yet you didn't know he could had such high tendencies of being homosexual.
And well, I kept quiet, and let everything flows.
During that time, she being SHE, didn't want to start of a relationship and everything didn't work out.
It was a relief, yet a disappointment because I was literally the middle person.
It was a blessing yet a curse, being their catalyst, double-edged sword so to speak.
And today, I've finally got to tell myself, it is time for me to go on, to find myself.
Someone, no matter she or he, as long as we can talk, we are on.
I've come to terms that my primary goal is to work hard for my life, my future.
Love, is something useful, yet not necessary.
Call me cynical, try walking my life.
What about me?
I'm still me~
Promise you guys will further frequent my post.Zany Zephyr
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