Auscultating : Only know it when it's gone

Remembered I talked about how N and I was in the bandwagon again? N pursued hard until lately.

The last time we chatted was the night before my Clinical Medicine Test 2, when a sticker was sent to my Line account.

I have this tendency to put N's messages on hold, simply because I can afford to.

Until I realized today that N is no longer in the chat box, or rather N left Line.

I'm not too sure what my feelings are telling me now. Relieved or annoyed?

But hey, I was playing hard to get to begin with so who and what am I to say about anything right?

I guess I was just simply not interested from the beginning. By qualities N probably was okay:

1- Working adult as a veterinarian
2- Okay looking
3- Likes me more than I do to N.

But I guess I wasn't really okay with N's cross dressing past, and a little too feminine in the pictures on social media? We were okay in that one video chat, probably because it was the first one; even other Line chats weren't that crazy.

Maybe I'm upset because I didn't get to do the "dumping" instead. Makes me an asshole doesn't it?

At any rate, I'm not entitled to any choice right now anyway.

1- I'm not hot or good looking
2- I'm not rich
3- I'm geographically and chronologically undesirable.

Some parts of me did really ask me to give dating apps a go, some parts of me just make me delete those apps and tell me its not the time.

It is probably not the time, and N leaving the chat room is a sign of telling me, to move on.

Well, we only know it when it's gone right? Just like everything else in life.

To anticipate for the next one, I'm on the verge of giving up. Multiple times I've told myself this life I'm probably not going to find anyone, despite the fact that I'm not even in the working society yet.

Like plenty of my course mates have told me, I'm probably a magnet to foreign cakes. A quote from my friend:

"你还是去找个老外吧，只有他们才可以征服你这只庞大的狮子。“

Where on earth am I going to get the money to access to them?