Looking through some of the old pictures I had in my younger days reminded me how I used to put effort in smiling.
I was never the good looking one, added with another 40 pounds of fat in my body, I am barely anyone's attention.
But somehow, I made the effort to post best smiles around.
Until I toned down a little on my body size on my last year of high school, the smile was still there.
The smile faded, when I stepped into lower 6.
I was cynical, vindictive and bitter.
The 2 years conditioned me into someone so much tougher than I would be back in my lower secondary years in the old alma mater:
The world is not that beautiful;
You need to fight for what you want;
You are the discard of society, work your way up;
Don't be naive anymore;
It's one man for himself;
Beggars do not get to be choosers;
Lower secondary was a joke;
Sometimes you just have to abide to the quota system;
You make choices, you be wise.
To the point, after I spent 3 years in university; the Dhamma teacher too realized I am now much brighter compared to the times when I was in my higher secondary years.
And I lost my smile, after I know of this incidence's truth. Everything I believed in and devoted, turned out to a dud.
The consequences of my choices in lower secondary haunted my lower secondary life without me knowing it.
I was miserable, everyday I had to bare with something that I know I can't change. And it was my choice prior to whatever which have happened before that landed me the consequence.
It was a headache, literally my first heartbreak.
As I stepped into higher secondary, I realized stuffs.
I was a naive brat.
I didn't see the clear picture.
I thought I was doing the right thing, in fact I was just wasting my time and effort.
I was just plain naive.
And my there goes smile.
Until today, I don't smile like I used to. I can smile, but not the ones which comes out like I truly wish to when I was younger.
It's the process of growing up, I presume.
Until one day, something or someone makes me smile like I used to again. That thing or person will really mark as a significance in my life.