Monday, June 16, 2014

Buffetting : The Lost Smile

Looking through some of the old pictures I had in my younger days reminded me how I used to put effort in smiling.

I was never the good looking one, added with another 40 pounds of fat in my body, I am barely anyone's attention.

But somehow, I made the effort to post best smiles around.

Until I toned down a little on my body size on my last year of high school, the smile was still there.

The smile faded, when I stepped into lower 6.

I was cynical, vindictive and bitter.

The 2 years conditioned me into someone so much tougher than I would be back in my lower secondary years in the old alma mater:

The world is not that beautiful;
You need to fight for what you want;
You are the discard of society, work your way up;
Don't be naive anymore;
It's one man for himself;
Beggars do not get to be choosers;
Lower secondary was a joke;
Sometimes you just have to abide to the quota system;
You make choices, you be wise.

To the point, after I spent 3 years in university; the Dhamma teacher too realized I am now much brighter compared to the times when I was in my higher secondary years.

And I lost my smile, after I know of this incidence's truth. Everything I believed in and devoted, turned out to a dud.

The consequences of my choices in lower secondary haunted my lower secondary life without me knowing it.

I was miserable, everyday I had to bare with something that I know I can't change. And it was my choice prior to whatever which have happened before that landed me the consequence.

It was a headache, literally my first heartbreak.

As I stepped into higher secondary, I realized stuffs.

I was a naive brat.
I didn't see the clear picture.
I thought I was doing the right thing, in fact I was just wasting my time and effort.
I was just plain naive.

And my there goes smile.

Until today, I don't smile like I used to. I can smile, but not the ones which comes out like I truly wish to when I was younger.

It's the process of growing up, I presume.

Until one day, something or someone makes me smile like I used to again. That thing or person will really mark as a significance in my life.


  1. smile becos you want to and you can do it yourself, not becos of someone.

    be happy.

    simple 2 words, deep logic, we can only be really happy if we let go. and the irony of your sentence is you can only smile if there is someone. and that means, attachment.

    life is a learning process. your dhamma teacher has taught you some stuff, but the real teacher appears only when the student is ready to learn.

    journey on my friend.


  2. I've been through the dhamma talks about happy hahaha.

    Yes, technically I am. But there are attachments, whether you like it or not. Laymen, are entitled to that.

    Some matters I do let go easily. Some just scars deep enough for it to be kept in mind for years.

    Talk about being mindful. But it overwhelms with emotion and hence becomes attachment.

    Sometimes, attachment is what brought me this far.

    People are aware of stuffs, but often clouded by emotions.

    I, for one, is someone who is very easily ticked emotionally.

    journey on.

  3. That makes us so human.

    Yup, you are not the only one. But hey, it makes life very exciting right. Being conscious about attachment is the start of the process of managing it.


    1. Yea, that's all I do now. Until I have the time to control it.

  4. " i was never the good looking one" ? errr, hi, i am a stranger who loves to read blogs, and just started to update my blog after a zillion years, started to read blogs, and just came across your blog yesterday night....

    ok, i can't help but to ask myself, is it just me or everyone's blog that i come across is having that "i don't look good" issue ?

    oh come one, go in front of a mirror, SMILE, you look perfectly alright, just be yourself, don't let other people's expectations drown you, seriously, it can be depressing, i know, because once upon a time i was a super fat guy, and finally i have managed to lose the extra inches, still on my journey to become my old self, my advice for are you, there's only one you in this universe, love yourself for who you are, be thankful for the precious life and body you had been blessed with...remove that "oh i don't look like brad pitt notion", if you still think you are overweight, instead of thinking too much of the fat stuff, start to concentrate more on being healthy, eat healthy, detox more, go to the gym, no time for gym ? then do yoga...

    don't think about being "perfect", because nobody's perfect in this world, and always remember, beauty is skin deep, be beautiful inside and outside, just be happy to be you...

    i noticed you love to read, so try to get a copy of Ellen DeGeneres' Seriously..I'm will definitely help you....

    take care and have a blessed day !! :)

    1. That was a great, well composed long comment up there! hahaha. Well, I have yet to gone pass the "i'm not good looking or i am fat" process yet simply I am a Leo and still works exceptionally hard to please others.

      Yea, being healthy and all it definitely a good way to start. But I still need time to find that balance.

      Of course I wouldn't need to be perfect. T didn't see me as a perfect person nor did I see as T but we got together back then anyway. It's just not easy to find people as genuine as T I guess.

      That book? Hmm, I will definitely look up to see if I can get a copy somewhere! I've noticed you posting a lot of comments too! Definitely appreciate those thoughts!

    2. everyone is beautiful on their own way...

      but of course, being healthy is important, besides, taking care of our body is important now so that later in life we won't fall sick etc...and yes, i agree, time is important, so i hope you will find a way to juggle up your busy schedule...

      lots of comments ? gee, hope you don't think i am stalking, hahaha, i love to read, like i told you before, i had started to blog back after 5 years, so went around few blogs to follow, yours was interesting...

      thank you once again,
      for your time to read my comments and for your replies

      take care and bless it be : )

    3. Some how I had to read the comments with all the "Recent comments" popping up in the blog! hahaha! It's a good gesture to reply to comments because readers would encourage bloggers to write more!

      Well, I've seen enough stalker to know their difference, so chill out. I have my ways to protect myself.

      Continue to blog on, we will see how far we can get!