Living alone in my own house away from my family made me realize how much I'd actually deprive from attention, from my family that is.
I probably brought the whole formula to myself.
At one point, when I go home, my family would be talking about each other's life like my elder sister's daughter, my brother's and younger sister's badminton log books; seldom about me. At most times I just feel like my presence there is just to fill the family quota full or do my job as a family member there. When I talk about my stuffs, most of the time its just a touch and go, like my grades, a bit of my plans, or my work which no one in the family could relate to. Fair enough, I couldn't relate to their badminton lives as well.
On the other hand, I avoid questions like when will I start dating; am I still together with Queen(which obviously she and I laughed about all the time). Ever since high school I've managed to sort things out for myself most of the time, and things usually work out well to my satisfaction without any need of parental or familial involvement. Most of the time I only consult them in matters which matter.
You see, I've made myself so much as a negligible presence in the equation; intentionally and unintentionally. I do enjoy the freedom from home like sparing myself from the ache of thinking what's today's dinner, the endless chores or unnecessary work at home; yet when I'm back at home sitting with everyone, I can't help feeling that I no longer fit into the family, as in what I do doesn't really matter or change anything around.
Even when I talked about my grades recently, the conversation held about 5 minutes and it ends abruptly.
I believe I am an attention seeker. Probably the attention I lack or do not want from the family brought me to other platforms like school and university. Weird enough I connect better with non-familial backgrounds than my own family.
Maybe again, its because I have extra time that I could think about this. In 2 weeks' time I probably would just immerse in school work again until I finally would graduate.
It's just another 9 more months and I will be in the market. I really wonder on which should I be prioritizing in life- family, friends, health, career or passion.
Dates? Haha, I wonder who would want to date a person like me.